I just finished my third week in my new job. The journey (and it has been a journey) has
been a defining one.
While I fully understand that I am within a legitimate
honeymoon period, there is almost nothing that isn't almost perfect. That means my continuous improvement eye is
just out of luck. The pay is at the top end of what I'd hoped for, the benefits
are better, and the physical environment is quite pleasant. I truly like my new team, which really seems
to function as a team. So far, my clients have been pleasant, which, given that
my clients are what held me at my old job long after it was healthy for me, is
a delight.
All that given, I have been in something of a spiritual
crisis these three weeks. First, because
I had worked exceptionally long hours I a job with normally long hours in order
to meet client commitments, and I was just plain exhausted physically. No amount of sleep would seem to relieve my
fatigue during the first 2 to 3 weeks.
An overlay to the fatigue was an uneasiness, like waiting
for the other shoe to drop.
Then, I noticed a reticence as I started into my
work. That really shocked me: having
started semi-professional work at 16 and worked my way through college, I've
always been quite confident in my work, even when doing something for the first
time. And, the tasks I was assigned initially weren't at all challenging. That
feeling continued for at least a week.
In parallel, or perhaps as a function of the reticence, I
felt constrained, when I was fully aware nothing was constraining me. I could intellectualize that part though.
In the late 1990s there was a study widely reported that
often came to mind in the first days.
The study reported on fish in an aquarium. After swimming freely for a
significant period of time, a clear glass plate was placed in the middle of the
tank, blocking the fish from swimming beyond the midpoint.
For a while, the fish kept swimming, smashing repeatedly
into the glass barrier. After some
period, the fish became conditioned to swim up to the plate and stop.
Eventually, the scientists removed the impediment. The fish, who had been conditioned, continued
to swim up to where the offending plate had been and would go no further.
That's how I felt.
I had become so constrained in my last job, that I'd become uneasy doing
activities that I'd done almost without thought for years previous to that
job.
I was angry. How
could I have allowed myself to tolerate such treatment, when I must have known
what it was doing to me? I must have known, I told myself in the first few days
of my new job. Yet, if I did, I had no recollection. While some constraints had been brutally blunt, the magnitude of hundreds of
small limitations is what nearly destroyed me.
Now I was free; the proverbial glass plate had been
removed. And, I spent a few days
frozen. Then, one morning I was in my
groove again on a design project. A
happy little introvert, I sat at my desk, cranking out work.
Over the next 48 hours, I started to feel as if I was
able to exhale for the first time in years.
Last week was my first facilitation in my new job. For two of the three days, I was clearly not
hitting on all the cylinders. I didn't
have energy or creativity. I never hit
the groove where I felt the group and I were one.
I blamed it on lack of sleep, because I'd been awakening two
hours early, able to go back to sleep.
Then, I questioned whether I'd burned out the small amount of
extraversion the good Lord had given me. I was leading strategic planning, one
of my favorite things, and it felt like crashing. Finally I went to fear: what if I'd found
this perfect place to work, and I was going to fail?
At last on Wednesday night, I slept all night and
awakened full of energy. I felt
good. I had some reflective time. Over the three hours after awakening, I had
several little epiphanies. I was walking
down the hall to my new office and realized I was carrying myself as if I'd
been gut-punched. Without losing stride,
I opened my middle and breathed deeply into my belly...and smiled.
When I arrived at my office, I was aware that mentality
I'd gone back to the "running scared" mindset which resulted from
years of way too much work and not nearly enough time to do it. I took another deep breath. I had 90 minutes
before the session started. I told
myself I could enjoy this.
Joy in my work.
I'd written about it extensively.
I'd lived it for many years, but temporary amnesia had possessed me in
recent years as work had slowly slipped into a drudgery that I had to do do to
buy groceries. As I sat down at my desk
Thursday morning, I smiled and gave myself permission to enjoy my work.
I remembered that the last time I'd facilitated strategic
planning in June, one if the participants came up to me halfway through the day
and said, "You really love this stuff don't you?" I agreed. He continued that I "radiated passion for
the work." Thursday morning I gave
myself permission to radiate passion again.
Every few minutes that morning delivered an Aha!
When I hit the meeting room an hour later, I was
energized. I'd hit my stride. I am certain that the team noticed: the
difference was certainly palpable to me.
I have had what I think are a couple legitimate concerns
about the work, but I am fully cognizant of my tendency to bolt when things are
feeling too good, more conditioning but from a very young age. Right now, I am
allowing myself to enjoy my new little piece of heaven.
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