My course reading for yesterday included Benjamin Hoff's the Tao of Pooh. When I picked the book up after class, I was on the chapter, "Bisy Backson." Bisy Backson is a character named for the expression, "Busy--Back Soon." Bisy, it seems, frenetically dashes through life, first in one direction and then another. When Bisy exercises, the intent is to force fitness, as opposed to allowing it to develop naturally from the inside. Bisy reminded me a lot of myself.
Thirty years ago a friend described me as being like a mosquito on speed. He could have as easily described me a Bisy Backson. For 15 of those 30 years, I mellowed out, mindfully and joyfully going through life. What happened? Life is part of it. Part of it is having an employer instead of being self-employed, but those years have also occurred in a time when employers behave as if they own the people who work for them instead of renting them for 8-9 hours a day. In my world, you haven't done anything special until you've put in 12 hours a day, and even then, it must be persistent. (What have you done for me lately?)
Still another part is living in a larger city, which I love for many things it has to offer, but also fully recognize life in the city is much faster paced. There's so much to do, and I want to make up for all those years living in small cities and do it all. Finally, our devices keep us connected and multi-tasking 24x7. (Understand that I would not want to give up my devices either.)
My class yesterday really heightened my awareness of how the level of mindfulness that used to pervade me had evaporated. Through the late afternoon and evening, I was increasingly aware of my racing about. I even noticed the tension in my shoulders as I brushed my teeth, as if the two minutes on my brush timer would go any faster if I was tense than if I just relaxed and enjoyed it.
The three scripture readings in church this morning, one from the Old Testament book of 2 Samuel, one from the epistles of the New Testament, and the third from the Gospel of Mark, all had to do with God being at home in us. The Assistant Rector's comments addressed the need for us to provide an appropriate "home" for God within us.
Oy! OMG! Eek! I experienced physical pain in my heart when I thought about God being in me, and I really believe that God does dwell in each of us. I wouldn't think of having guests in my bricks and mortar home with such chaos. I go out of my way to have peace and order--to provide a warm and welcoming place of refuge for my guests from such freneticism. I prepare favorite foods or pick up special treats. I want my guests to feel how special they are to me.
Yet, I clearly am not making nearly so fostering environment for God as I make for my human friends. The visual that came to my mind was that God would be trying like crazy to escape my body. When I thought what it would be like to be trapped in my body, I imagined God being thrashed about in several directions as I chaotically went one way and then the other, constrained by the tension in my body and hardly taking time to breathe--literally.
Why would God want to be at home in my body? Could this be why, after feeling God's presence so intently for so long, that I've frequently felt so disconnected in the last dozen years? I want to put Bisy Backson to rest, but that allows me to get off without being accountable. Bisy needs nurturing of the kind that I've been unwilling to give myself. To put Bisy to rest allows me to continue mindlessly thrashing about with the consciousness of Bisy put out to pasture. Can I even find it in me anymore to mindfully love the person who lovingly builds a safe, sane and tranquil refuge for God in me?
Even though I am only a day into the class, it seems to me that the Seven Habits of Happiness are so inter-related that doing one really well will accomplish doing them all.
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Saturday, July 18, 2015
The First Day of Class
As a youngster, I always looked forward to the start of school, and my first encounter with insomnia came the night before the first day of school. I'd be so excited that I couldn't possibly go to sleep. Not much has changed for me. Today was the first day of my Psychology of Happiness class. While I did sleep last night, I was just as excited. My passion for learning sparked yet again. Up earlier than usual this morning, I completed my chores had been completed 90 minutes before the start of class. I was eager and waiting.
There are so many ways that I am grateful for this class, and I'm particularly happy that I delayed my March start of this class until this group. As we did our class introductions, almost ever one of us spoke of "resilience" as the trait that we are most proud of, and all of us shared that we'd had to overcome major, multiple, and even recurring challenges in life. About two-thirds of the way through introductions, one of my new classmates said we must all be related--from the same family. We are certainly kindred spirits, who seemed to bond almost immediately.
Like many first classes, this one started with a high-level overview, and we will drill down into each topic as the course proceeds. For this class, the overview revealed "Seven Habits of Happiness":
There are so many ways that I am grateful for this class, and I'm particularly happy that I delayed my March start of this class until this group. As we did our class introductions, almost ever one of us spoke of "resilience" as the trait that we are most proud of, and all of us shared that we'd had to overcome major, multiple, and even recurring challenges in life. About two-thirds of the way through introductions, one of my new classmates said we must all be related--from the same family. We are certainly kindred spirits, who seemed to bond almost immediately.
Like many first classes, this one started with a high-level overview, and we will drill down into each topic as the course proceeds. For this class, the overview revealed "Seven Habits of Happiness":
- Quality relationships
- Caring & acts of kindness
- Physical health
- Flow
- Character strengths & virtues
- Spiritual engagement
- Positive Mindset
Even though this was the survey class, I immediately recognized how these seven topics and the characteristics within each splendidly tied together many aspects of life with which I've struggled. We were asked to pick one of these to focus on for the duration of the class. Intuitively, I knew "physical health" was the one for me. As frequent readers will recall, I've struggled with allowing work to squeeze exercise out of my daily routine, and I've wrestled with my sugar addiction. My desire to be present significantly impacts several aspects of my health. Doing my physical therapy exercises daily greatly influences the level of pain with which I live.
As my day began to wind down, I reflected on this list of happiness habits, and I thought about how powerful my intention is when I really put my mind to something, most certainly the foundation of my resilience. I knew specific things that I want to do for each of the areas, except "Flow."
I know "flow" well: it is that state in which we are having so much joy with what we are doing that we lose track of time and consciousness. It requires a high skill level and equally high challenge. Flow requires that we really care about what we are doing. The possibility to "win" must be present.
The place in my life in which I am most predictably in "flow" is when I write. When writing Leading from the Heart, I would often find that it was getting dark outside on long summer days when I began to get tired, the first experience I'd had of being conscious since sitting down to write, maybe 8 to 10 hours earlier. I wouldn't eat, drink, or go to the bathroom, not due to deprivation, but because I was really out of my body and unable to experience the signs of bodily needs.
Similarly, I recall one day when writing The Game Called Life, a book that I finished in five days, I actually wrote 32 pages in one day. With my conscious logical mind, I have absolutely no concept how I did that, but I truly surrendered to my flow state.
I've experienced flow in other places in my life--when gardening, when dancing, occasionally when cooking, often when coaching, and sometimes when working on designs for my organization development (OD) work. Currently, I am encountering impediments to the flow state in most of these areas of my life. The northern exposure of my balcony garden makes "winning" almost impossible. (My neighbor warned me, but hope springs eternal.) I rarely have a dance partner any more who challenges me. My OD design work is often not challenging, and when it is, there are so many interruptions that getting to that place where I lose consciousness is impossible.
Lest you think this is a lot of grumbling and complaining, it is not. In my heart of hearts, I know that I can experience flow every single day just by choosing it. Every time I write this blog, I fall into a flow state. Yet, with increasing frequency, I have chosen to let the demands of longer and longer days on the job push writing out of my day. A week ago, I had a really good idea for a post and even wrote myself a note so I wouldn't lose the thought. By the time that I found energy to write Thursday evening, I sat staring at the note with no recollection at all of my earlier inspiration.
I have no illusions that taking this class will transform all of my bad habits, or that I will miraculously find the energy and will to write at the end of a 12-hour day. However, there is one thing about intention about which I have become very clear: it is like target practice. If I miss the bulls-eye, I aim again and give it another shot. Over time, I become more and more consistent at reaching my intention. There are aspects of my life that 30 years ago I would have been shocked to learn that I now do quite consistently. My hope is that looking back to 2015 in another 25 or 30 years, I will see that the things with which I struggle today have become happy habits in my life.
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Friendships
My staycation has ended up being a raincation. This June was the wetest June in Washington history by three inches, and the downpours didn't even hiccup moving into July. We are not talking drizzle here, but serious rain. Last Sunday delivered two inches in one day. So much for lingering over a light read by the pool, hiking, and biking in the park.
With that said, I've luxuriated over books that I've wanted to get into and have finally been able, as well as doing spot reading in other books. At the first of each month, I used to faithfully visit LifeCycles by Christine Delorey, a wonderful introduction to numerology and the spiritual lessons that await us each month. The pace of my life has been such that when I picked up LifeCycles at the beginning of this month, I realized I hadn't opened it since last fall.
Much of my growth in the month of July is about friendships, and as I read Delorey's words, I found them quite moving. "Friends will be friends no matter what," she said, "separated by thousands of miles and lifetimes of years. The bonds of real friendship cannot be broken." (p. 195)
She continued, "Take a hard look at those you call friends and ask, is that how you feel about them."
The words and the meditation that followed set me into a reverie about friendships, several of which are "...separated by thousands of miles." I am sure that I am not the only one who has had someone walk into my life, and I knew within minutes that we would be fast friends for the rest of our lives. My college roommate Donna immediately comes to mind. It is funny to think that we actually only lived together about four months, but she is among my dearest friends in the world. Now separated by 500 miles, each time we are together, we always pick up as if we'd been together yesterday, even when it has often been years.
There have often been parallels in our lives during the times when we haven't been communicating regularly, and we've sometimes laughed as we've shared our similar tales. At times it feels like God put us here as one and then split us apart, yet somehow we've remained magically connected.
Another is my friend Amy who is 2400 miles across the country. I met her on an elevator at a conference in Mexico almost 20 years ago, when she recognized my name on my name badge. She had just read Leading from the Heart, which had hardly hit the market. Before the conference ended, the bonds of friendship were sealed. A few months later when she came to visit a cousin near Washington, we rendezvoused at her home for almost 24 hours of non-stop talking.
Although we've had some lapses, we have talked every week or every other week for much of the 20 years in between. I feel like I know her better than a sister, even though we have only met face to face once or twice more since. (Through the modern miracle of Skype, we now see each other on our every-other-week calls.)
I recall meeting a professional colleague for a networking coffee when I first came to Washington. We met at 1 p.m., and, when we got up to leave, I thought there was something wrong with my watch, which showed almost 5 p.m. We were both shocked. Time had truly stood still.
There really are a small handful of people, some now gone from the world, who are/were instant and continuous friends. If there is any justice, we will continue together in other lifetimes. However, in my reverie this week I recalled Delorey's other admonition, "Take a hard look at those you call friends and ask, is that how you feel about them."
Leading from the Heart came out during my first full year living in North Carolina. I recall thinking how well I'd done at making friends...until the bottom fell out of my consulting/coaching/speaking business in the dot.com bust. Then I discovered most were fair-weather friends. The people that I still count as NC friends either didn't know I had written books, I met after things had unwound, or I met on the dance floor.
A number of times during those years, I recalled a client I'd had in Oregon who shared that he had been a millionaire and then lost it all. When he had to file for bankruptcy, most of his friends and his much younger wife deserted him.
How do we know? While I think Delorey is correct that every now and then we need to take a hard look at people we claim as friends. Yet, I would not want to be one who guards herself from potential friends for fear of being deserted when the waters of life are rough. In that way, I might not have let Donna or Amy in, and what a loss that would have been; I hope for all of us.
Friendships are a bit like investments. We never really know when we will strike gold, but if we don't take the risk, we will always lose. I will continue to risk having the grace of special friends showered on me.
With that said, I've luxuriated over books that I've wanted to get into and have finally been able, as well as doing spot reading in other books. At the first of each month, I used to faithfully visit LifeCycles by Christine Delorey, a wonderful introduction to numerology and the spiritual lessons that await us each month. The pace of my life has been such that when I picked up LifeCycles at the beginning of this month, I realized I hadn't opened it since last fall.
Much of my growth in the month of July is about friendships, and as I read Delorey's words, I found them quite moving. "Friends will be friends no matter what," she said, "separated by thousands of miles and lifetimes of years. The bonds of real friendship cannot be broken." (p. 195)
She continued, "Take a hard look at those you call friends and ask, is that how you feel about them."
The words and the meditation that followed set me into a reverie about friendships, several of which are "...separated by thousands of miles." I am sure that I am not the only one who has had someone walk into my life, and I knew within minutes that we would be fast friends for the rest of our lives. My college roommate Donna immediately comes to mind. It is funny to think that we actually only lived together about four months, but she is among my dearest friends in the world. Now separated by 500 miles, each time we are together, we always pick up as if we'd been together yesterday, even when it has often been years.
There have often been parallels in our lives during the times when we haven't been communicating regularly, and we've sometimes laughed as we've shared our similar tales. At times it feels like God put us here as one and then split us apart, yet somehow we've remained magically connected.
Another is my friend Amy who is 2400 miles across the country. I met her on an elevator at a conference in Mexico almost 20 years ago, when she recognized my name on my name badge. She had just read Leading from the Heart, which had hardly hit the market. Before the conference ended, the bonds of friendship were sealed. A few months later when she came to visit a cousin near Washington, we rendezvoused at her home for almost 24 hours of non-stop talking.
Although we've had some lapses, we have talked every week or every other week for much of the 20 years in between. I feel like I know her better than a sister, even though we have only met face to face once or twice more since. (Through the modern miracle of Skype, we now see each other on our every-other-week calls.)
I recall meeting a professional colleague for a networking coffee when I first came to Washington. We met at 1 p.m., and, when we got up to leave, I thought there was something wrong with my watch, which showed almost 5 p.m. We were both shocked. Time had truly stood still.
There really are a small handful of people, some now gone from the world, who are/were instant and continuous friends. If there is any justice, we will continue together in other lifetimes. However, in my reverie this week I recalled Delorey's other admonition, "Take a hard look at those you call friends and ask, is that how you feel about them."
Leading from the Heart came out during my first full year living in North Carolina. I recall thinking how well I'd done at making friends...until the bottom fell out of my consulting/coaching/speaking business in the dot.com bust. Then I discovered most were fair-weather friends. The people that I still count as NC friends either didn't know I had written books, I met after things had unwound, or I met on the dance floor.
A number of times during those years, I recalled a client I'd had in Oregon who shared that he had been a millionaire and then lost it all. When he had to file for bankruptcy, most of his friends and his much younger wife deserted him.
How do we know? While I think Delorey is correct that every now and then we need to take a hard look at people we claim as friends. Yet, I would not want to be one who guards herself from potential friends for fear of being deserted when the waters of life are rough. In that way, I might not have let Donna or Amy in, and what a loss that would have been; I hope for all of us.
Friendships are a bit like investments. We never really know when we will strike gold, but if we don't take the risk, we will always lose. I will continue to risk having the grace of special friends showered on me.
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Self-Care
When I sat down to write this evening, I asked myself, "What is the most authentic thing that I can write about tonight?" The answer: self-care.
I am now halfway through my staycation. I started with two days of meditation. I read a lot on Monday, had a job interview, and then planned a couple dinners for friends. Tuesday was my "spa day"--not at a real spa, but I allowed myself to be pampered at my usual nail salon with a couple extra services. On the tail of a visit to my chiropractor, it was delicious. I had no idea how long I was in the place until I left and was shocked at how quickly the time had passed.
This morning I walked to a gluten-free bakery, and my freezer is now nicely stocked with treats for times when I don't have 40 minutes to walk from the Metro to the bakery and back. As I treated myself to a chocolate croissant in the shop, I was reminded of a section in Authentic Happiness when author Marty Seligman described habituation and how we could enrich our lives by practices that help us avoid being habituated to special pleasures in our lives. That's a fancy term for learning how to be really present to life's pleasures.
The idea is that the more we experience a pleasure, the less pleasurable it becomes. The first wonderful bite, being completely present to the sensation and even the sound of my teeth breaking through the crispy layers of buttery pastry is the most pleasurable. That is especially true for me since it has been 8-9 months since I've made the journey to the bakery. (My wheat allergy limits the sources from which I can acquire such treats.)
Perhaps it is because I have been waiting for three-quarters of a year to experience a chocolate croissant, but I really let myself savor every decadent bite. Quite frankly, I was distressed at how much of the time I just snarf my lunch down in a rush between meetings, and I fail to derive real pleasure from my food. Add to the to-do list: really enjoy my food.
This afternoon I indulged myself with a 90-minute massage. When I arrived, my massage therapist and I remarked about how long it had been. How long had it been, I wondered? I think it was my birthday in 2014, which is 14 months ago. Really?! I think so. However long, it has been too long.
Sue is a real artist with my body, and she nursed me back to mobility a few years ago when I was struck by a car when I was crossing the street. She had her work cut out for here today. Even after five days away from work, my body was clinging to tension like a long lost friend. Sue had her way with every bit of it. My knees were like Jello as I made my way the short half-block home. When I did, I fell onto a lounge chair, and I was asleep instantly. I don't think I slept all that long, but I awakened I energetic and alert. I felt great.
I should not have been surprised, then, when I got "self-care" as the topic for today. Partially because the time in which we live, and in part because we are Americans deeply steeped in the Protestant work ethic, many of us aren't comfortable taking care of ourselves. If we aren't being productive and multi-tasking several activities, we feel we are falling short. I am definitely one.
I totally own the Protestant work ethic thing. If it isn't in my genes, I was socialized to it from infancy long before smartphones and the expectation of constant productivity. Yet, today I was reminded that it is really important to take some time every now and then and just indulge and renew ourselves...in the way that Seligman would have us experience pleasures--being present and savoring every minute, while avoiding habituation.
And, I shouldn't have to be taking a vacation at home to allow myself to do so. Before I sleep tonight, I will put several reminders on my calendar over the next few months to schedule time with Sue. I probably shouldn't need to put reminders on my calendar to take care of myself, but if that is what it takes to assure self-care, reminders it is.
I am now halfway through my staycation. I started with two days of meditation. I read a lot on Monday, had a job interview, and then planned a couple dinners for friends. Tuesday was my "spa day"--not at a real spa, but I allowed myself to be pampered at my usual nail salon with a couple extra services. On the tail of a visit to my chiropractor, it was delicious. I had no idea how long I was in the place until I left and was shocked at how quickly the time had passed.
This morning I walked to a gluten-free bakery, and my freezer is now nicely stocked with treats for times when I don't have 40 minutes to walk from the Metro to the bakery and back. As I treated myself to a chocolate croissant in the shop, I was reminded of a section in Authentic Happiness when author Marty Seligman described habituation and how we could enrich our lives by practices that help us avoid being habituated to special pleasures in our lives. That's a fancy term for learning how to be really present to life's pleasures.
The idea is that the more we experience a pleasure, the less pleasurable it becomes. The first wonderful bite, being completely present to the sensation and even the sound of my teeth breaking through the crispy layers of buttery pastry is the most pleasurable. That is especially true for me since it has been 8-9 months since I've made the journey to the bakery. (My wheat allergy limits the sources from which I can acquire such treats.)
Perhaps it is because I have been waiting for three-quarters of a year to experience a chocolate croissant, but I really let myself savor every decadent bite. Quite frankly, I was distressed at how much of the time I just snarf my lunch down in a rush between meetings, and I fail to derive real pleasure from my food. Add to the to-do list: really enjoy my food.
This afternoon I indulged myself with a 90-minute massage. When I arrived, my massage therapist and I remarked about how long it had been. How long had it been, I wondered? I think it was my birthday in 2014, which is 14 months ago. Really?! I think so. However long, it has been too long.
Sue is a real artist with my body, and she nursed me back to mobility a few years ago when I was struck by a car when I was crossing the street. She had her work cut out for here today. Even after five days away from work, my body was clinging to tension like a long lost friend. Sue had her way with every bit of it. My knees were like Jello as I made my way the short half-block home. When I did, I fell onto a lounge chair, and I was asleep instantly. I don't think I slept all that long, but I awakened I energetic and alert. I felt great.
I should not have been surprised, then, when I got "self-care" as the topic for today. Partially because the time in which we live, and in part because we are Americans deeply steeped in the Protestant work ethic, many of us aren't comfortable taking care of ourselves. If we aren't being productive and multi-tasking several activities, we feel we are falling short. I am definitely one.
I totally own the Protestant work ethic thing. If it isn't in my genes, I was socialized to it from infancy long before smartphones and the expectation of constant productivity. Yet, today I was reminded that it is really important to take some time every now and then and just indulge and renew ourselves...in the way that Seligman would have us experience pleasures--being present and savoring every minute, while avoiding habituation.
And, I shouldn't have to be taking a vacation at home to allow myself to do so. Before I sleep tonight, I will put several reminders on my calendar over the next few months to schedule time with Sue. I probably shouldn't need to put reminders on my calendar to take care of myself, but if that is what it takes to assure self-care, reminders it is.
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