Spiritual discipline

I know that I said yesterday that today I was going to write about what happens when I don't ask and/or don't listen to my guidance.  However, my guidance today was to write something different. 

Today a passage of scripture from the Christian New Testament Gospel of Luke (17:1-4) guided worship. At the beginning of the passage, The Teacher talks about forgiveness.  The lesson says that if someone transgresses against us even as many as seven times in a day and asks for forgiveness that we are to forgive them. 

A couple days ago I wrote about doing the first two parts of a forgiveness exercise.  I forgave those that I felt I needed to forgive, but I am certain that several of them would not have asked for forgiveness.   Yet, I have forgiven them, and that I am not carrying resentment any longer is a gift for me.  I also meditationally asked others for forgiveness.  Since I was asking, I assume that qualifies me for forgiveness. 

In each of those exercises what was amazing was that as soon as forgiveness was given either way, there would be a wave of positive memories about that person, which the lack of forgiveness had blocked.  As I worked through the list, my heart felt more and more full.  I realize that the lesson today really was about opening our hearts. No matter how many times that we must forgive, doing so is a gift we give ourselves--the gift of the open heart.

What I haven't written about was the third part of the exercise, which I completed a day later.  The third column was comprised of things for which I needed to forgive myself.  As I thought about that list this morning, I recalled the impatience I felt about needing to forgive myself for the umpteenth time for not asking for guidance before I did something, not following the guidance I got, or following the guidance when it was so delinquent that it no longer had efficacy. 

It is much easier for me to forgive people who have done some pretty nasty things to me than it was to forgive myself.  Many of the times that I'd forgotten to check in with my heart occurred months or years apart.  Could I forgive myself seven times in a day? 

The word "discipline" derives from the Greek for "disciple" which means "student."  A spiritual discipline implies that it is our way of learning to be closer to our spirits.  For me, that means following what is written on my heart and messaged to me through listening to my heart. 

I realize that I have an unduly harsh standard for myself when it comes to being a spiritual student.  Somehow, even though I know we are all beginners, I expect myself to be perfect. However, the word "sin" was an archery term which meant the archer missed the bulls-eye: missed the mark. The implication was that the archer needed to adjust his/her aim. "Sin" isn't an arbitrary standard of judgment but rather a teaching term about how to get it better--not perfect--the next time.  That is what a spiritual discipline is about: aiming over and again until we hit the mark.

Now I realize that I did end up writing about what happens when I didn't follow my guidance, but it hasn't ended up looking like I expected.  That is what happens when we listen to the wisdom of our hearts.

Yes, I have failed to ask for guidance from my heart, and I have failed to follow in a timely way.  The results weren't as rewarding as those I wrote about yesterday and hundreds of other stories I could have written. AND, I have aimed again.  Now, I will recall that I should have forgive me...even seven times a day, if needed.

Ahhh!

Forgiveness

Meditation truly is a gift I give myself.  This morning I took my 20 minutes and extended it by 30.  I was wrestling with understanding what is Truth.  As I went deeper and deeper, the contradictions became more intense and then they melted away.

I have written previously about the several spiritual statements or affirmations that I recently adopted.  This morning as I meditated I found myself lingering on one: "Forgiveness is how I return to God/Love."  I thought I'd forgiven those in my life for what they'd done to me. Then the questions came. Have I really forgiven if I still carry resentment? Have I really forgiven if I still guard myself or am wary?  Of course not.

Then I attempted to forgive; I wanted to get to the place where I could feel nothing but unconditional love. As I went deeper, I found that in each of the two relationships I lingered with I had accountability. Hmmpf.  :-) Did I not know this part? 

For several years I provided spiritual coaching in three-day, one-on-one intentional living intensives.  Each was unique to the person with whom I was working, and my guides would give me unique coaching questions and exercises for that person.  Most were used only once.  However, for most a similar exercise on forgiveness was given to me.  It always involved three levels of forgiveness: acts which the client needed to forgive others for, acts for which the client needed to ask for forgiveness, and acts for which the client needed to forgive him- or herself.  Finally, we'd explore the gifts that had resulted from hurtful circumstances.

As I meditated on forgiveness this morning, these three levels kept intertwining. Back and forth, I went from offering forgiveness to asking for forgiveness to forgiving myself and back again. Then I drifted deeper.  I'd written two books on fear and courage: were fear and courage not really about forgiveness?  If there were always gifts, why would I not have courage?  Why would I be afraid?

Almost when I felt like I'd gotten to the bottom of understanding the relationship between fear and courage and forgiveness, I found myself going broader.  I've always thought that my purpose was to help people find the place of pure Love that dwells inside themselves and connect to the place of pure Love that dwells in each of their fellow human beings.  When I had been meditating on my new affirmations a few weeks ago, what had come was that my purpose was the forgiveness of all human kind.  I thought I'd just go with it since that is what came, but thought my real purpose was connect us to and through Love. 

Only this morning in this meditation did I realize that they were the same.  Only this morning did I realize that the reason the forgiveness exercise was always given to me for clients while other exercises were unique was that my purpose was forgiveness.  These clients wouldn't have been brought to me if they didn't need to learn forgiveness. The Aha! moment for me was that forgiveness is my gateway to Love; it is the gateway through which I lead others to find pure Love. Without forgiveness, we will never find that place in ourselves where we are Love, and we certainly will never find that place in others where they are pure Love.

This knowing didn't come printed on bulletin boards: it came from listening to what I know in my heart. This wisdom came because I showed up to listen and floated through lots of clutter to the crystal clarity of what I know.

Being present

I raced into the Metro Station today and continued to race toward each tier of escalators, knowing that because of weekend track maintenance that, if I missed this train, there would be a significant wait before the next one. I got behind one slow person after another blocking the escalators.  Of course, I could see the red tail lights of the train leaving the station just as I passed through the turn style.

Deep sigh!

Everything is a gift I told myself.  Really I did.  One of my proudest accomplishments on my journey is that even when I get caught up in life, most often I do catch myself very quickly and embrace the recognition as a gift.

I walked to my place on the platform, sat down, closed my eyes, and began to breathe each of my new spiritual learning statements in.  By the time I got to the last one, I was actually present.  I sat and felt my body, my breathing, and my heart. 

When the next train pulled into the station, I was relaxed and smiling from ear to ear.  The rest of my day just flowed.  I don't really think anything changed about my day except me: I showed up to enjoy it. 

Being present: what a concept! How much of my life have I missed just because I wasn't there.  Today was a great day and that was a wonderful lesson....again.  How many times have I learned it just to forget?  The thing about the spiritual journey is that we can start fresh every day.

Oh, yeah...