For most of the last 51 months, my supervisor has made my life extremely difficult. To say that at times it has been hell is not an exaggeration. It's not just me. She seems to be an almost-equal opportunity difficult task master. Over that time, I've watched myself go from being a strong, confident, and creative professional to a shrinking violet who has learned to stay under the radar. I've lost my humor and my optimism. By showing up as less than who I really am, I have lost some of my integrity.
Why do I tell you all that? I think it is important for you to understand that relationship before I share what I am about to tell you.
Last Wednesday I said something to my boss in front of others. It was true, and I am sure it was hurtful. As the hours passed, with each I felt more and more guilt and shame. By evening, I had a long talk with myself about who I was and who I wanted to me. The short answer: not like that.
The first thing Thursday morning, I sought out my supervisor, and I apologized. I said I knew what I'd said had been hurtful, and I was very sorry. She accepted my apology with grace. Later in the day she thanked me, and I again said how sorry I had been.
Nothing she had done over the last four years justified my being unkind. My unkindness is about me, not about her. In fact, I think that my ability to not respond in kind in the face of her words and actions has been the mark of the person I choose to be. When I started responding in kind, that is when I lost my ability to be who I choose to be.
What is interesting is what happened at that second meeting: we had what was probably the best conversation we've ever had. Instead of continuing to shrink, my apology had given me the standing to be fully present in our meeting. I shared some things that had been on my heart for a long time. I told her how limiting my job has become. She listened.
I am not sure what forgiveness means in this context. I have certainly not forgotten all the injustices I've suffered at her hand. However, I am tired of this relationship as it has been. In fact, I am tired. The environment in which my team works is exhausting, and work that used to exhilarate me now leaves me drained. I am also tired of leaving my stuff at home every day. Dumbing down doesn't suit me, and it is totally out of character and integrity. In this situation, I think that forgiveness means clearing the air so that I may fully show up again.
Some would say she doesn't deserve it. In retrospect, I don't think I did it for her. I did it for me. I offered her an olive branch because I didn't like that I was becoming like her. I didn't like that I was showing up out of character and integrity. Since my Thursday afternoon meeting, I have recalled a quote, "Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself." I don't know who the original source is, but I've seen it work time and again with clients. This week I saw it work for me.
Perhaps what forgiveness does for us is remind us that we've all done something at some time that we were not proud of. My sharpness with my boss on Wednesday morning was a knife in me, reminding me of who I was becoming, and I didn't like it. By recognizing that my own imperfections, I was humbled to accept her own. It has been a tortuous route to a level playing field, but I hope we have finally arrived.
AMEN!!!!!!!!
ReplyDelete