Revisiting Reconciliation

On December 6 of last year, I wrote of reconciliation upon the death of Nelson Mandela.  I find the ability to truly forgive and to find reconciliation a most godlike quality, and once again I am called to reflect on this ability.

I've just finished viewing the movie, "The Railway Man."  Based on a true story, this movie cinematically explores a British man's tormented life, the result of a World War II experience during which he was tortured at the hands of a Japanese "translator."  Encouraged by his wife to return to confront the source of his demons, former victim Eric Lomax finds it within himself to reconcile with his former captor.  "I will never forget what happened here, but I will forgive," are his words toward the end of the movie.  The post-script says the two went on to become great friends until the death of the Japanese man in 2011. Lomax died the following year.

When I wrote of Mandela's death, I spoke of the "Truth and Reconciliation Commissions" that he established to allow South African victims to face their perpetrators, to tell their truth, and to reconcile with them.  In essence, that is what Lomax did. 

How do we find it within ourselves to forgive, even as we know we will never forget?  Yet, how can we not forgive, for doing so is what liberates us from the shadows that lurk in our minds?

My mother was extremely cruel.  I never faced her with forgiveness, but after she died, I cried for days for the lost hope of a mother's love.  Suddenly, one afternoon complete and total forgiveness washed over me.  The moment was truly remarkable.  I haven't forgotten the pain, but it has never gripped me since then, as it had before. 

The scars on my heart remain, and I regret that I never had the opportunity to forgive her face-to-face.  Seeing Lomax embrace his former captor makes me wonder how my life might have been different if I could have similarly held the woman who gave physical birth to me.  Might that cathartic moment have given me a different future just as reconciliation transformed Lomax?  We will never know, but for the fact of forgiveness I will ever be grateful.  Psychically, I know we are reconciled.

In the scars of my pain, however, remains a skittishness.  I find it hard to open my heart to women friends and colleagues, almost always finding it easier to trust men, even as I totally trusted my loving father.  I am most grateful for the few women that I have allowed to come close, but how much richer might my life might have been if I could have opened my heart to a wide range of people instead of always standing guard like a sentry protecting my heart.

So it was with envy, hope, wonder, and longing that I watched Lomax's story unfold.  How remarkable indeed to forgive while remembering--to know and live true reconciliation.

Reconciliation

Once or twice a century the world is blessed with a truly wise leader.  Yesterday the world lost one of them when Nelson Mandela died. 

Over 20 years after Mandela was released from 27 years in prison, I still find it mind-boggling that he was wise enough to respond to severe personal and societal repression by advocating a Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC.)  The purpose of the TRC was to give thousands of people the opportunity to face their oppressors, for the oppressors to tell their stories, and most of the time to forgive each other.

Back in the day when I spoke at a lot of conferences, John Dawson and I both addressed a number of the same conferences.  Dawson founded the International Reconciliation Coalition in 1990. (http://reconciled1.com/international-reconciliation-coalition-overview/)  His organization is founded on religious conviction, but the reconciliation ceremonies that he led around the world often addressed secular ills from mistreatment of Native Americans to abused women.  The purpose of his work was to provide an opportunity to injured peoples to hear an apology for their pain, and by so doing, allowed the oppressed to move beyond their pain.

Reconciliation is a powerful concept: the end of a conflict between disputing people or groups without retaliation.   In the Roman Catholic Church reconciliation is a sacrament whereby a person confesses his or her sins and offers penance to be absolve of misdeeds.  Whether part of a church sacrament or a secular ritual like the TRC, reconciliation is God's opportunity for us to admit we could do better, to be sorry, and to be forgiven, and by so doing, we return to God.

Mandela provides me with a powerful example or forgiveness and reconciliation.  If a man who was imprisoned for decades can forgive and reconcile, then most certainly I have nothing that should stand in my way of doing the same.