I just saw "Ricki and the Flash," Merryl Streep's new movie about a woman who abandons her three children and husband to pursue a career as a rock musician. Although Ricki attempts to put the family part of her life behind her, the hole in the center of her life gnaws at the edges of it, stealing her joy and capacity to love. In the end (no spoiler here) she is able to redeem herself.
During the 30-minute walk home from the movie the themes of remorse and redemption kept toying with me. I did a little research when I got home and kept bumping up against Khaled Hosseini's best selling novel The Kite Runner about the boy Amir who betrays his best friend Hassan. When his guilt gnaws at him, he attempts to assuage his pain with yet another duplicitous act.
Eventually, both Ricki and Amir find redemption and atonement. The word "atonement" has been broken to demonstrate its meaning as "at-onement." Atonement does imply a healing--a softening of the separation created by betrayal until we are able to be whole, both within ourselves and with the victim(s) of the act.
While I like to assuage my own guilt at pain I know I have caused by saying "I was doing the best I could with where I was at the time." But, is that enough? Twelve-step programs demand "making amends." In Amir's case, he is able to adopt Hassan's son after he has been orphaned. Ricki, too, finds a way to heal relationships. Neither can remove the pain caused, but each is able to bridge the gap caused by their acts.
As I walked this evening, I felt truly remorseful. I know that I haven't always been the easiest person to live with, and I have struggled with how to follow my heart without being selfish and hurtful of others in my life. I have the deepest regret at the pain I caused my ex-husband when I, not that much unlike Ricki except there were no children, moved across the country to pursue to dream to be an author, coach, and speaker. I also know that the same move really hurt my adopted parents with whom I was very close before they died.
I believe that remorse is the first step toward redemption, but atonement requires "making amends," and that is often much harder, especially if someone isn't still in my life or, as with mama and papa, have even passed away. I wish I could say I knew how to bridge the gulf that I've created, but I really don't know how. What I do know is that when my intention is clear, God will provide me the means to do what I need to do. All things considered, I guess that is really all I need to know.
I so love this: "at-onement"... Until I was able to make amends through so much work in so many ways I was in constant pain. I know that each step of that work was a domino in the preparation of the tipping point that began a process of allowing me to heal to the next level. The key for me has been learning to unconditionally love my self and to do the work in love for other and for me.
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