Integrity is very important to me. Maybe it is the most important thing to me. Integrity is not simple honesty, which is also important, but it is much bigger than that.
For me, integrity is knowing my soul's intentions when I came into the world and then living those intentions. I know the spiritual growth lessons that I came into the world to learn. I know at least several gifts and talents that I have been given to develop and use. I also have a sense of the service that I am here to do, although I confess that isn't nearly as clear as I thought it was 20 years ago. When my life is aligned with those things, I am in integrity. When I am not, the weight of the disconnect weighs on me.
I try. I really try to live in integrity, but I know that I fall short. Sometimes I fall woefully short.
What I notice is that the more I am out of alignment in one area, the more I become out of integrity in other places. Returning to my regular job has been struggle for me. I know I am being of service, but the work I am doing is pulling me down. I feel stressed. I know I am not working anywhere close to my capability, and I do fear that I am losing my edge to do my higher skill work. Then, I am irritable with myself and with others. Even though I am being of service, I really feel out of integrity.
Even though I've just been back for three weeks of work, I feel a heaviness descend on me when I am getting ready for work, and as I approach my office building I feel more and more darkness pulling me down. The work is really dark. Some days I want to come home and take a shower just to wash it off of me. While I was also sick last week, which complicated the issue, I was short with two people who have been nothing but nice to me. That really felt out of integrity.
I do feel that learning to do my work in the world and to financially support myself is one of my life lessons. Yet increasingly I think that it must be easier. I now think that a life lesson for me must be to let it be easy. I have one of those Staples "easy buttons" from the 90s on my desk. When I allow myself to let something be easy, I enjoy hitting it and hearing the message, "That was easy!" I admit I don't hear it often enough, mostly because I "effort" too much--try to make things happen, when they obviously don't want to happen. The drive to support myself overwhelms and forces me to push more and harder.
Since I began writing about intention 20 years ago, I have really felt like it was my responsibility to role model integrity. Sometimes the standards to which I hold myself are insufferable. I am exhausted. I really need it to be easy.
Based on my numerologic spiritual lesson for 2016, my work is to learn balance and to take care of myself first: put the oxygen mask on me before trying to save others. Twice this week I'd had to make decisions to not do something I thought I "should" do. In each case, as soon as the deed was done, I felt more relaxed, lighter, brighter. In the one case when that occurred at work, I received compliments all day about how great I looked...and it wasn't even a good hair day. I am sure those observations were a reflection of the stress being drained from my face.
All of these things are what a colleague of mine describes as "good data." Who says that "data" should be quantifiable? Why can relaxed muscles and lack of stress in my smile be valid data as well? So I take a deep breath, really consciously enjoy the relaxed shoulders and jaw, and embrace the challenge of letting it be easy.
Showing posts with label relaxation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relaxation. Show all posts
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
The Accelerator is Stuck!
This afternoon I went into the kitchen at work to toss together the ingredients for the lunch salad that I'd prepared the night before. As I was racing around, I man said something to me that just totally shocked me into consciousness. He said, "You have no where to be and nothing to do. Take your time."
Since sometime in late 2000 or early 2001, I've been racing. In the early years, the dot.com bust had tanked my business, and I was attempting to right it before it sank. I raced. When I failed at that, I started teaching. To earn a living as an adjunct college instructor requires teaching a lot of classes. That means lots of class preparation, paper grading, test making, and office hours. Up at 4 a.m. most days, my evening classes usually ended at 9 p.m. I raced all day. Then when I got a consulting job that paid a normal salary, the expectation was that I'd work almost every waking hour to justify the salary. I raced. I often fell asleep over my computer.
You get the gist.
I've been racing so long, and I think my accelerator has been stuck in overdrive. When Thomas said to me, "You have no where to be and nothing to do," you could have knocked me over with a feather. For years there have always been five other things I should be doing and back-to-back meetings. But, not now. Of course, I had no where to be, and nothing I had to do. For a few seconds, I didn't know what to make of that.
When I finally got my head around it, I went into the lunchroom table, and I did something I've rarely done in the last 15 years. First, I breathed. Then, I sat down, ate my lunch, and chewed my food. I tried to see if I could make my food last for 20 minutes. I had conversations with two interesting new coworkers. With one, I shared Italian food/cooking stories. My creativity kicked into gear as I thought about things I haven't cooked for a while, and mentally, I played with variations I might make. I took a full 40 minutes for lunch.
I've been "loaned" by my employer to work for the Combined Federal Campaign (CFC) for 4-1/2 months. I needed a break from the pace of work I've been keeping for years and from the toxic work environment in which I have found myself, which increasingly seems to be spinning completely out of control. I applied for the opportunity and was accepted. Tomorrow I will have been there for a week.
There are times when we are very busy, but on each end of most days, there is time to catch my breath and to do paperwork, return email, make calls, and even to do analysis about how to improve campaign performance. Such a luxury.
Today when Thomas made his life-changing comment to me, I'd been in overdrive for about four hours. In my "regular" job, that wouldn't have slowed down for another seven or eight hours, and when it did, I'd be looking at a ton of email and prep for the next day. Today, my four hours of overdrive was followed by delicious sanity...and lunch, of course.
I've read a number of different estimates of how many days it takes to develop a new habit. Some say 30 days, and others report 21. Some longer, others shorter. But, I have 4-1/2 months to practice breathing, walking at a normal pace, eating lunch, being creative, talking to coworkers, and just generally enjoying myself at work. Surely I can form a useful habit in 4-1/2 months that I can take back to my "real job" with me. That will definitely be my intention, and taking a new habit back to work with me will certainly be a wonderful investment in my life.
Since sometime in late 2000 or early 2001, I've been racing. In the early years, the dot.com bust had tanked my business, and I was attempting to right it before it sank. I raced. When I failed at that, I started teaching. To earn a living as an adjunct college instructor requires teaching a lot of classes. That means lots of class preparation, paper grading, test making, and office hours. Up at 4 a.m. most days, my evening classes usually ended at 9 p.m. I raced all day. Then when I got a consulting job that paid a normal salary, the expectation was that I'd work almost every waking hour to justify the salary. I raced. I often fell asleep over my computer.
You get the gist.
I've been racing so long, and I think my accelerator has been stuck in overdrive. When Thomas said to me, "You have no where to be and nothing to do," you could have knocked me over with a feather. For years there have always been five other things I should be doing and back-to-back meetings. But, not now. Of course, I had no where to be, and nothing I had to do. For a few seconds, I didn't know what to make of that.
When I finally got my head around it, I went into the lunchroom table, and I did something I've rarely done in the last 15 years. First, I breathed. Then, I sat down, ate my lunch, and chewed my food. I tried to see if I could make my food last for 20 minutes. I had conversations with two interesting new coworkers. With one, I shared Italian food/cooking stories. My creativity kicked into gear as I thought about things I haven't cooked for a while, and mentally, I played with variations I might make. I took a full 40 minutes for lunch.
I've been "loaned" by my employer to work for the Combined Federal Campaign (CFC) for 4-1/2 months. I needed a break from the pace of work I've been keeping for years and from the toxic work environment in which I have found myself, which increasingly seems to be spinning completely out of control. I applied for the opportunity and was accepted. Tomorrow I will have been there for a week.
There are times when we are very busy, but on each end of most days, there is time to catch my breath and to do paperwork, return email, make calls, and even to do analysis about how to improve campaign performance. Such a luxury.
Today when Thomas made his life-changing comment to me, I'd been in overdrive for about four hours. In my "regular" job, that wouldn't have slowed down for another seven or eight hours, and when it did, I'd be looking at a ton of email and prep for the next day. Today, my four hours of overdrive was followed by delicious sanity...and lunch, of course.
I've read a number of different estimates of how many days it takes to develop a new habit. Some say 30 days, and others report 21. Some longer, others shorter. But, I have 4-1/2 months to practice breathing, walking at a normal pace, eating lunch, being creative, talking to coworkers, and just generally enjoying myself at work. Surely I can form a useful habit in 4-1/2 months that I can take back to my "real job" with me. That will definitely be my intention, and taking a new habit back to work with me will certainly be a wonderful investment in my life.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Clouds
When Washington turns steamy, as it has this week, my workout turns to swimming laps, instead of walking, biking, or running. I put in my 35 minutes today, and then, as I often do, fell onto a lounge chair to dry off and read a bit before heading indoors again.
As usual, the air that had been stifling 40 minutes earlier was quite pleasant when I am dripping wet. When I finished my magazine, I lay back and looked upward. What I saw nearly took my breath away with its beauty: cobalt skies generously clouded with puffy white and light gray clouds. My first thought was: is the sky this beautiful all the time, and I've been so nose-down that I've forgetten to look up?
As I lay there, the movement of the clouds was both mesmerizing and tranquilizing. A thicker layer of lower clouds parted occasionally to reveal whispier, higher ones. I have no idea what the distance between them was--maybe 50 feet, maybe 500, maybe more. They held their own mystery.
The heavier, lower ones appeared to be moving north while the whispier, higher ones were moving southward. I don't think that is possible, but that is how it looked. As I contemplated their mysteries, I became consciously aware that I was totally relaxed. What a rich feeling--relaxed and conscious of it.
My eyes drifted shut, and I relished the relaxation. When I opened my eyes again, the heavier clouds had disappeared, leaving a sea of cobalt, simply decorated by what appeared to be 1,000 dandelions gone to seed and sent scattering by a giant puff from a mysterious source. I've been here for awhile now, alternating between watching and closing my eyes. Each time I open them, a new skyscape awaits.
I like to think I am pretty good about observing beauty in the natural world about me, but this afternoon I've decided that I don't look up nearly enough.
Sometimes in the midst of the crazy pace of my daily work world, I sneak off for 10 minutes to the patio in the roof of our office building: it always relaxes me, but I think I've almost never looked up at the clouds. Today I believe they might be nature's antidote to the chaotic world in which I find myself. I feel a bit wicked to have discovered such a decadent secret, which I can use at my choosing to mellow out. And, I will, grateful once again for all the gifts that are ours for the choosing.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
As usual, the air that had been stifling 40 minutes earlier was quite pleasant when I am dripping wet. When I finished my magazine, I lay back and looked upward. What I saw nearly took my breath away with its beauty: cobalt skies generously clouded with puffy white and light gray clouds. My first thought was: is the sky this beautiful all the time, and I've been so nose-down that I've forgetten to look up?
As I lay there, the movement of the clouds was both mesmerizing and tranquilizing. A thicker layer of lower clouds parted occasionally to reveal whispier, higher ones. I have no idea what the distance between them was--maybe 50 feet, maybe 500, maybe more. They held their own mystery.
The heavier, lower ones appeared to be moving north while the whispier, higher ones were moving southward. I don't think that is possible, but that is how it looked. As I contemplated their mysteries, I became consciously aware that I was totally relaxed. What a rich feeling--relaxed and conscious of it.
My eyes drifted shut, and I relished the relaxation. When I opened my eyes again, the heavier clouds had disappeared, leaving a sea of cobalt, simply decorated by what appeared to be 1,000 dandelions gone to seed and sent scattering by a giant puff from a mysterious source. I've been here for awhile now, alternating between watching and closing my eyes. Each time I open them, a new skyscape awaits.
I like to think I am pretty good about observing beauty in the natural world about me, but this afternoon I've decided that I don't look up nearly enough.
Sometimes in the midst of the crazy pace of my daily work world, I sneak off for 10 minutes to the patio in the roof of our office building: it always relaxes me, but I think I've almost never looked up at the clouds. Today I believe they might be nature's antidote to the chaotic world in which I find myself. I feel a bit wicked to have discovered such a decadent secret, which I can use at my choosing to mellow out. And, I will, grateful once again for all the gifts that are ours for the choosing.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, February 10, 2014
Ah! That's Nice!
About 45 minutes ago when I sat to write this post, my body was fatigued, and my mind was busy. When I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths to focus my attention on today's message, as I often do, all I could hear was busyness. More breathing. Finally, my mind quieted a bit. "Take a bubble bath!" I know better than to resist my guidance, but I did say, "Really?"
"Take a bubble bath!"
"OK. I get it." I have to say the thought was delicious. Today was my first day back to work after three days in bed with a cold and a couple not in bed when I should have been. My stamina lagged. A cold wind cut into me on the way home, so I raced for my front door instead of doing what I would have preferred: taking a long relaxing walk. Not tonight. I tried one of those new recipes, and it was definitely not a keeper. It filled but definitely didn't satisfy me. Even the Colbert and The Daily Show were repeat episodes. I did need a pick-me-up, and the bubble bath filled the order.
I keep some inexpensive bubble bath for just such emergencies, and as the steam wafted upward, the fragrance of "English Garden" filled the bathroom with a reminder that spring will come. As I slipped my weary bones into the warm water, every ache seemed to melt away with the steam rising from the bubbles. "Ah! That's nice!" I said out loud.
Many times I've reminded coaching clients, usually but not always women, that on the airlines the safety advisories at the beginning of flights caution that if we are travelling with young children we should put the oxygen mask on our own faces before doing so with the little ones. Especially for people working in service professions, we tend to give all day and then often give to families in the evening. We forget to put the metaphorical oxygen mask on ourselves.
This evening my message is that sometimes we just need self-care, slipping into relaxing warm water to the fragrance of spring and allowing ourselves to feel cared for. That's nice!
"Take a bubble bath!"
"OK. I get it." I have to say the thought was delicious. Today was my first day back to work after three days in bed with a cold and a couple not in bed when I should have been. My stamina lagged. A cold wind cut into me on the way home, so I raced for my front door instead of doing what I would have preferred: taking a long relaxing walk. Not tonight. I tried one of those new recipes, and it was definitely not a keeper. It filled but definitely didn't satisfy me. Even the Colbert and The Daily Show were repeat episodes. I did need a pick-me-up, and the bubble bath filled the order.
I keep some inexpensive bubble bath for just such emergencies, and as the steam wafted upward, the fragrance of "English Garden" filled the bathroom with a reminder that spring will come. As I slipped my weary bones into the warm water, every ache seemed to melt away with the steam rising from the bubbles. "Ah! That's nice!" I said out loud.
Many times I've reminded coaching clients, usually but not always women, that on the airlines the safety advisories at the beginning of flights caution that if we are travelling with young children we should put the oxygen mask on our own faces before doing so with the little ones. Especially for people working in service professions, we tend to give all day and then often give to families in the evening. We forget to put the metaphorical oxygen mask on ourselves.
This evening my message is that sometimes we just need self-care, slipping into relaxing warm water to the fragrance of spring and allowing ourselves to feel cared for. That's nice!
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