Feelin' Alive

An odd thing happened about 8 p.m. last evening: I started to feel.  Not emotionally; I seem to do well with that.  What I started to feel was alive. 

I had pledged for months that, as soon as I was through Thanksgiving, I would begin to work "normal" hours.  Until that point, I was boxed into long-term commitments with clients.  For months, I had been very judicious about accepting new work so that I would continue to dig my hole deeper. 

Yesterday was one week since we went back to work after Thanksgiving.  Last week I did work shorter hours but I was in training two days, so I did attend to things before and after class.  Yesterday was the first "regular" work day since Thanksgiving and my first "regular" work day for over a year.  I actually worked the number of hours I am scheduled to work. 

What was even better is that I could work at a sane pace.  For months, I'd felt like I was juggling so many glass balls that I couldn't possibly keep them in the air, but also couldn't let any drop.  I could feel the tension mount in my shoulders even as I would be walking toward my office in the mornings.  Yesterday, I just took on one task after another and completed each, allowing myself to be totally absorbed in what I was doing--being present. 

I did stay 15-20 minutes late last night, time that I actually relished, because I was relaxed and just pulled a couple things off the stack on my desk that has been mounting for a year.  This morning I continued, sorting through a stack of rolled up chart pad pages that have been accumulating, and I was able to almost empty that corner of clutter of the room.  I am astounded at how relaxed I have been the last two days...and what a difference that has made in how I feel.

That brings me back to what I felt last evening.  I got home 2-1/2 hours earlier than usual.  I had a nice dinner that I could actually enjoy because I wasn't falling asleep in my soup.  Then I paid a few bills and balanced my checking account.  This may all sound pretty mundane, but I haven't had energy or focus to do anything that required thought for months.

All that, and it was still before the time I normally got home.  :-)  I almost didn't know what to do with myself, but that was the point when I realized what I was feeling.  The deep exhaustion that had worn on me for so long was gone.  I had energy.  My head was clear enough to concentrate, and I actually had time, energy, focus, and enthusiasm to plan a weekend trip with a friend.  None of this would have been possible even a week earlier. 

Today I began to feel glimmers of optimism.  I actually volunteered to help a colleague on something, and I'm contemplating assuming a responsibility that a different colleague has been urging me to take for some time.  I am doing so with a view not to overload myself again, but I delighted to have the option to choose to take on something else.  I've felt so buried for so long that I didn't have the choice.  Now I do.  Choice is a powerful intoxicant, and I am dizzy with joy for being back in the driver's seat in my life.

Now, one step at a time forward....