The Work That Is Mine To Do

I remember writing in Leading from the Heart that while most of us see things in black or white, the Truth more often lays in countless shades of gray in between them.  Even then, I knew that the world was much more complex than the simplicity of black and white would suggest.  In the years since, I have become more and more convinced of that Truth.

While I was sure of the Truth in the shades of gray the more than 20 years ago when I wrote Leading from the Heart, I thought I was certain about some things.  I knew that God is Love. My work in the world is to connect with everyone who comes onto my path from that Truth.  Somehow, if I could find love in my heart for everyone, I would be doing what God wanted me to do.

This morning at the very end of our church service, just as I have countless times before, I said the prayer for me to go into the world to do the work that was mine to do.  "What?" I thought, "is that?" Robbed of the innocence that I held even just a few years ago that, if I would just love those on my path, I would be doing my work.  I can't believe that any more.  At least, I can't believe it in the way I once did.

Difficult people have come before me, and I have tried to love them...repeatedly...for years. At least one has made me wonder if there are evil people in the world--those who delight in causing pain.  I grew up with a mother like that.  I often think that this person is in my life to give me the opportunity to learn how to deal with my long-deceased mother in a loving way. God knows I have tried.  Usually I just get beat up again...and again.

Scary-weird people have come onto my path, and I have tried to see them in peace and love.  A homeless mentally ill woman sells Street Sense, a newspaper written by and for the homeless.  I used to be afraid of her.  I used to think she qualifies as "scary-weird," but as I've come to know her, she is a really kind woman.  I call her by name now.  She remembers me.  Now I think, "There, but by the grace of God, go I."  Other scary-weird people just get scarier and weirder.

While in New York a few weeks ago, I saw the musical "Beautiful," based on the early career of singer-songwriter Carole King.  King married her lyricist Gerry Goffin when they were teenagers, had two children with him, and then, as often happens in show business, watched him fall prey to drugs and womanizing.  In the play, about 10 years into the marriage, King says to Goffin, "The girls deserve better than this, and so do I."  The words penetrated me, which is when I can usually tell there is a lesson to be learned here.

So this morning as I thought about going into the world to do the work that is mine to do, I found myself sinking into the shades of gray.  Maybe my spiritual work isn't to love everyone.  Maybe it isn't to learn how to love my mother differently.  Maybe it isn't even to not be frightened by scary-weird people.  Maybe it is to say, "I deserve better than this."

Right now, I am stuck in the "how to know."  I truly do believe that it is our work to love those who come onto our paths--to raise the level of love on the planet.  How else can we make the world a better place?  Yet, I am also sure that God wants us to love ourselves. Yet  to allow someone to continue bringing misery into my life isn't raising the level of love.

Some would say that we should just let the meanness roll over us and to not allow it to make me miserable. I may even have said that a few dozen times myself.  Now I have learned that isn't so easily done.  When someone pummels me, day in and day out for years,  I do feel the pain.  Maybe my work is to say, "I deserve better."

Today, I sit with what my work is. Once it was very clear that I am to love.  When I was much younger, my work was just to survive.  Both very black and white.  Today, I sink into the shades of gray and listen for a new Truth.