Dating Two Men at Once

I recently discovered a fun, easy podcast, called "Happier," hosted by author Gretchen Rubin and her sister, screenwriter Elizabeth Craft.  The focus of the show is sharing pretty much random thoughts or practices about how to be happier in life.  Subscribers get a mid-week "booster shot," which is a single, simple thought that is usually less than two minutes between the regular 80-minute programs.

This week the thought was "Dating Two Men at Once." In it Gretchen harkens back to college days when a friend gave her the advice to always date two men at once.  Why? When things aren't going so well with one, they may be with the other.  If things don't work out with one, then you aren't alone. If a woman is dating only one man, then it's either win or lose, and we always seem to be trying to figure out are we winning or losing at this moment. Dating two? You've got win, lose, pivot.

Now, this should not be an earth-shaking idea: it is just a bit of a twist on the Buddhist concept of non-attachment.

There is a story set in "olden times," about a Chinese farmer. His horse ran away at planting time.  "Oh, how terrible for you," his neighbors said, "you will not be able to plant your crops."

"Maybe yes. Maybe no. We never know."

The next day his horse came back, bringing a wild stallion with her. "Oh, how lucky for you, " his neighbors said, "to have two horses is a great fortune."

"Maybe yes. Maybe no. We never know."

The next day his son was trying to break the stallion, which reared up and came down on him, breaking his leg.  "Oh, how terrible for you, " his neighbors said, "your son will not be able to help you with the planting and tending your crops."

"Maybe yes. Maybe no. We never know."

A few days later the army came through the farmer's village, conscripting all of the able-bodied men to fight in the war.  Because his son had a broken leg, he was not taken.  "Oh, how fortunate for you that your son doesn't have to go to war."

"Enough!!" said the farmer.  "Always you must judge.  We never know what will be good and what will be bad.

Whenever we "date one man," we tend to fall into the habit of looking at situations, behaviors, and habits as either good or bad.  Rather than taking the advice of the farmer and being open about what they will mean.

Obviously, this thought from two married women is about way more than dating.  It is about holding the potential of a range of possibilities, withholding judgment and staying open and flexible.

I had a great conversation yesterday with a friend, who is action-oriented, about my transition.  "I am just not ready!" I said several times during the conversation as she made suggestions to get me moving.  I am not ready to know whether my future is in health coaching or working with refugees or some other possibility that I haven't considered. I am sort of "dating" different options. Who knows? Maybe I will decide to hang out with both indefinitely.

I have always had the concept of a "job" as a single thing that I would do which pretty much takes all my weekday time and is the source of my income, whether I do it for an employer or work for myself.  "Dating two..." offers the possibility that I might dabble at both...and maybe more things, generating income from all of them. I like it.

Another application of this "happier" idea is that I've thought I had to "get through" this transition as soon as possible--to some as-yet-unknown destination where I would work for the duration of my career.  I am now holding the possibility that my transition may be longer, maybe much longer.  If I am "not ready," my heart is telling me to linger longer in the exploration.  Although I have bristled when people have thought I was ending my career instead of being in an "exploration," the possibility of just allowing the exploration to take as long as it takes is not something I have considered before.

"Dating two men at once," it would seem, is a very liberating concept and one which brought me considerably less tension as I am now in my 11th week of transition.  One might even say that it has made me "happier."