Sometime in 1993, I think it was, that I loaded the trunk of my car with five or six (maybe more) bankers boxes and drove two hours from Eugene to Portland, Oregon. I was delivering a professional treasure trove to a friend from graduate school.
Before going to graduate school I'd been a human resource (HR) director and employment manager. Actually, since I started working on my 16th birthday, I'd been working in HR. I developed skills and experience as a teenager that many of my peers wouldn't have for a decade. Because I had the experience, I ended up working my way through college in HR jobs. Then, that was where I got jobs afterward. I never even considered if I enjoyed these jobs, they were pretty good jobs in a small city that didn't have many good jobs. So, I did them.
Although I had the distinct intention when I returned to grad school that I would work in organization development (OD) when I finished, when I actually did finish and started my business, what I knew how to market was HR. So, not surprisingly, people hired me to do HR. Within a week of starting my business, I was booked three months in advance--what every new business owner hopes to happen. However, 18 months into the business, I realized that most of my projects had been the work I'd done before grad school and that I'd hoped to leave behind, rather than OD work that I had hoped to do.
I recall a crystallizing moment when I sat at my desk and knew I just couldn't/wouldn't do that work anymore.
In typical fashion, the Universe very shortly sent me two tests. I got two opportunities for work that were HR opportunities that I had just pledged not to do, and one of the projects was with a company I'd been trying to get work from since I'd hung out my shingle. I nicely declined, and I put each in touch with someone I knew who would do a good job for them.
Gulp! I hadn't turned work away before. Then, crickets....for about two weeks. I stood my ground and waited.
Finally, the calls started. Two nice OD jobs landed in the same week, and each would be four- to six-month assignments. I had turned the corner. During that quiet two weeks the temptation to go out and market had been great, but I stayed true to what my heart was telling me.
All that is the background for my trip to Portland. My friend did want to do HR consulting, but had only been working in the field since we graduated. I called her and said I wasn't going to take anymore HR projects. I had a lot of books, articles, and other resources. Did she want them? She was delighted. In that two-hour road trip, I separated from my HR umbilical cord.
Last Sunday afternoon I sat on the floor of my bedroom closet, trying to figure out what did and what did not feel like it was part of my future. I was able to throw away about a box and half of stuff that I would never have packed up if I'd had taken time to sort before packing. (See Endings/ Beginnings, 11/25/16.) There were things that left me stone cold, like the four-inch thick federal procurement manual. Definitely not feeling it in my future. And, there were a very few items, like the book Awakening the Heroes Within by Carol Pearson, that I would have loved to sit and devour in the moment. Definite save those.
In the zone somewhere between "definitely go" and "definitely stay," was a box into which I put the gray zone items. I just didn't know...or at least I didn't think I knew.
As gently as the moment 23 years ago, when I knew in an instant that I could no longer take HR projects, I knew "No! Not that!! None of it...." None of what was in the gray zone is part of my future. I will continue to go through boxes to make sure there are no "definitely stay" items, but I expect that almost none of it will stay.
I don't like to throw things away...especially books, but this time I have no one that I can pass my resources on to like I did my grad school friend. To just throw things away will really be an exercise for me, but I know there is no turning back. I have less clarity about what will be in my life after December 21 than I do what won't, but 23 years ago, I had to sit and wait for two weeks...and then I did know what I wanted my future would be.
For at least a year I've been saying that I felt pregnant. Now I've never been pregnant, so I am not sure how I know what the feels like, but it does feel like something is gestating deep inside me, and it wants to be born. I just don't know what.
I've written that our hearts are the compass to our lives and written on the backs for each of us is what is our true north--what is exactly right for us. The only thing I have clarity about right now is that I need to clear out the static which keeps me from hearing what is next.
Earlier this week I was doing an exercise in the workplace setting where a colleague and I were supposed to interview each other. The first question she asked was, "What are you hungry for?" I didn't think even a split second before saying, "Time, sleep, exercise, meditation..." Those were not thoughts; that was truth, completely skipping my brain and spewing forth without thought. I just knew. Like I just know what isn't in my future.
Every item on my "hungry" list was an activity that help me hear where the compass on the back side of my heart is pointing me--helping me connect with whatever is gestating.
I will continue cleaning out, even knowing that I will throw good stuff out to just remove it from my energy field. When December 21 arrives, I want to send a very clear message to my heart that I am getting rid of static. Then, I will bring in the static-clearing activities that I shared with my interview partner. That is my future.
Showing posts with label new beginnings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new beginnings. Show all posts
Friday, December 2, 2016
Friday, November 25, 2016
Endings...Beginnings...
While I am by no means an authority, for a long time I've been interested in the Jewish mystical study of numbers. I apologize for anyone out there, who may actually be an expert in this field if I in any way misrepresent the study of numerology, but I will do my best to share what I have taken from my limited exposure that applies to what has been on my heart lately. I do so completely from memory because, as often happens, I apparently loaned my book to someone who hasn't returned it...and I don't remember who that was.
Numerology looks at the Jewish Tree Of Life, a set of spiritual lessons, which each person works through in cycles of nine years. Each lesson has a feminine aspect and a masculine dimension. Throughout our lives, we repeat each of the nine lessons, one per year, and then we start the cycle over again. Some years the focus is the masculine side of the lesson; other years it is the feminine. Similar to the hero's journey about which I've written previously, although the basic lesson is the same each time, we go through more advanced versions of the lesson. We go through the cycles individually, and planetarily.
The cycle has been on my heart because the energy of the planet is now transitioning from the end of the cycle to the beginning of a new one. The transition began at the Jewish New Year (October 2-4 this year.) It will end at the Winter Solstice (December 21.) During that three and a half months, it is our spiritual work to "clean house." 2016 has been a "9" year, which is about endings. People often leave jobs, even careers, end relationships, sell houses, and let go other significant parts of our lives that have served their purpose, but with which we are finished.
By December 21, we should have cleaned out anything that is not part of a new beginning for us. What we carry into the 21st will be with us for another nine years. I've had this on my mind, but all of the sudden this week I realized that I just have a month left, and I haven't done much cleaning out. Frequent reader of this blog and my friend Amy Frost told me in the Super Moon, which occurred a couple weeks ago, that we should write down anything we wanted to let go of and then set the paper on fire, letting the smoke release the energy of the past into the atmosphere. That was a busy day, but I did some general letting go into smoke that day.
But I know I have way too much baggage to carry with me into the future. Let me count the ways.
Besides the energy of spiritual baggage, there is some literal baggage I am dealing with. Almost a year ago, construction in my apartment building's storage area required me to bring up everything from my storage unit. It has been sitting in my bedroom closet since then. I knew I needed to clean out, but I haven't made doing so a priority.
When I left my last job in August, I hastily packed up anything that was mine personally and brought five boxes home with me...also in my bedroom closet. (Fortunately, I have a bedroom closet big enough to party in.) I know there is a lot to be left behind there as well, but sorting through my office boxes has not been a priority either.
I thought I was going to have the time to just sit in my closet this weekend and sort, but I have allowed the approaching holidays and associated activities encroach on my time. I am not sure whether that is avoidance or choosing my future to be with friends...or a little of both. While I make an effort to keep my Sabbath sacred, I have decided that this spiritual sorting exercise is an appropriate Sabbath activity, and I will sit in my closet on Sunday afternoon.
I also have a desk at home that I have been sorting through for two weeks, and I am close to seeing the surface of at least a third of it now. There is more, for sure, but great progress. What remains are my time-consuming projects, and I am not sure when I will find the time, but doing so is a priority for me now.
There are bookshelves that are bulging as my appetite for new books always exceeds the time I have to read them. My folder of clipped recipes was so full at the beginning of last week that it wouldn't close. I am grateful for Thanksgiving and Christmas menu planning for nudging me to begin to go through it two evenings earlier in the week. There is more, but I have found that some of the recipes just don't look good any more, and pitching them has been easy.
When I think about what I want to take into the next nine years, though, more important than cleaning out "stuff" is being conscious of what habits I am ready to let go of and what new ones I want to choose for my future. As I reflect back over the last nine years, I think that this cycle has been about the time period during which I've forfeited the intentional life I had built and allowed myself to be overtaken by work, in every variety.
For decades, I ate healthfully, exercised daily, meditated at least once a day, did extended meditation retreats, danced several times a week, practiced gratitude daily, spent time with friends and laughed a lot. Morsel by morsel, most of that has slipped out of my life since 2007, and I want to reclaim "my" life and let go of whatever has consumed me.
New habits are formed in 30 days. I could be overwhelmed as I look at all the new habits I want to form. However, at least for me, I respond well to any positive change in my life. Intuitively, I know that if I change one thing, changing others seems much easier. I feel it is almost like flipping a switch back to the "real Kay," rather than changing eight different habits.
In my as-yet-unpublished book Choice Point, which I thought was "finished" in 1997, I wrote that life should be a meditation, and in each moment we should consciously ask, "Is this a 'yes' or is this a 'no?'" When I think about reclaiming my life, the question I need to ask isn't will I exercise or not today, it is "Will I be who Kay's soul intended her to be today?" A single question, applied to every situation, asked consciously. Life as a moment-by-moment meditation.
What I know in my heart is that all I want to carry into the next nine years is the consciousness to ask that question a 1,000 times every day...and the courage to act on what I know.
Numerology looks at the Jewish Tree Of Life, a set of spiritual lessons, which each person works through in cycles of nine years. Each lesson has a feminine aspect and a masculine dimension. Throughout our lives, we repeat each of the nine lessons, one per year, and then we start the cycle over again. Some years the focus is the masculine side of the lesson; other years it is the feminine. Similar to the hero's journey about which I've written previously, although the basic lesson is the same each time, we go through more advanced versions of the lesson. We go through the cycles individually, and planetarily.
The cycle has been on my heart because the energy of the planet is now transitioning from the end of the cycle to the beginning of a new one. The transition began at the Jewish New Year (October 2-4 this year.) It will end at the Winter Solstice (December 21.) During that three and a half months, it is our spiritual work to "clean house." 2016 has been a "9" year, which is about endings. People often leave jobs, even careers, end relationships, sell houses, and let go other significant parts of our lives that have served their purpose, but with which we are finished.
By December 21, we should have cleaned out anything that is not part of a new beginning for us. What we carry into the 21st will be with us for another nine years. I've had this on my mind, but all of the sudden this week I realized that I just have a month left, and I haven't done much cleaning out. Frequent reader of this blog and my friend Amy Frost told me in the Super Moon, which occurred a couple weeks ago, that we should write down anything we wanted to let go of and then set the paper on fire, letting the smoke release the energy of the past into the atmosphere. That was a busy day, but I did some general letting go into smoke that day.
But I know I have way too much baggage to carry with me into the future. Let me count the ways.
Besides the energy of spiritual baggage, there is some literal baggage I am dealing with. Almost a year ago, construction in my apartment building's storage area required me to bring up everything from my storage unit. It has been sitting in my bedroom closet since then. I knew I needed to clean out, but I haven't made doing so a priority.
When I left my last job in August, I hastily packed up anything that was mine personally and brought five boxes home with me...also in my bedroom closet. (Fortunately, I have a bedroom closet big enough to party in.) I know there is a lot to be left behind there as well, but sorting through my office boxes has not been a priority either.
I thought I was going to have the time to just sit in my closet this weekend and sort, but I have allowed the approaching holidays and associated activities encroach on my time. I am not sure whether that is avoidance or choosing my future to be with friends...or a little of both. While I make an effort to keep my Sabbath sacred, I have decided that this spiritual sorting exercise is an appropriate Sabbath activity, and I will sit in my closet on Sunday afternoon.
I also have a desk at home that I have been sorting through for two weeks, and I am close to seeing the surface of at least a third of it now. There is more, for sure, but great progress. What remains are my time-consuming projects, and I am not sure when I will find the time, but doing so is a priority for me now.
There are bookshelves that are bulging as my appetite for new books always exceeds the time I have to read them. My folder of clipped recipes was so full at the beginning of last week that it wouldn't close. I am grateful for Thanksgiving and Christmas menu planning for nudging me to begin to go through it two evenings earlier in the week. There is more, but I have found that some of the recipes just don't look good any more, and pitching them has been easy.
When I think about what I want to take into the next nine years, though, more important than cleaning out "stuff" is being conscious of what habits I am ready to let go of and what new ones I want to choose for my future. As I reflect back over the last nine years, I think that this cycle has been about the time period during which I've forfeited the intentional life I had built and allowed myself to be overtaken by work, in every variety.
For decades, I ate healthfully, exercised daily, meditated at least once a day, did extended meditation retreats, danced several times a week, practiced gratitude daily, spent time with friends and laughed a lot. Morsel by morsel, most of that has slipped out of my life since 2007, and I want to reclaim "my" life and let go of whatever has consumed me.
New habits are formed in 30 days. I could be overwhelmed as I look at all the new habits I want to form. However, at least for me, I respond well to any positive change in my life. Intuitively, I know that if I change one thing, changing others seems much easier. I feel it is almost like flipping a switch back to the "real Kay," rather than changing eight different habits.
In my as-yet-unpublished book Choice Point, which I thought was "finished" in 1997, I wrote that life should be a meditation, and in each moment we should consciously ask, "Is this a 'yes' or is this a 'no?'" When I think about reclaiming my life, the question I need to ask isn't will I exercise or not today, it is "Will I be who Kay's soul intended her to be today?" A single question, applied to every situation, asked consciously. Life as a moment-by-moment meditation.
What I know in my heart is that all I want to carry into the next nine years is the consciousness to ask that question a 1,000 times every day...and the courage to act on what I know.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)