Listening to Their Wisdom

I have noticed over the years that coaching clients often "present" to me issues which I need to look at in my own life.  When I find myself having similar conversations, especially in back-to-back sessions, I figure I should pay attention myself.  That happened today.  Interestingly enough, I've been involved in several conversations over the last two weeks when the same topic bubbled up. Something similar came up on a class I am taking last night.  The Universe is sending people into my life to help me learn. In their answers, I find wisdom.

Each of these clients led me to draw a model for further exploration--the same model. The concept is that we have three levels of "being" in our lives.  A colleague of mine draws it with three concentric circles. The innermost is "DNA."  That part of us is what it is, and we aren't likely to change it. My brown eyes are not going to become blue because I choose that.  The next circle is labeled "Personality," and it is likely to change little.  The bigger outside circle is entitled, "Behavior."  Now "behavior" is something we can work with. 

I think about the difference between personality and behavior as being like an actor or an actress, who plays a role.  The role doesn't change the actor's personality, but they behave in the play or movie in a way that can be contrary to their natural personality.  Our jobs often require us to behave in ways that are contrary to our natural personality. For instance, I am a strong introvert, who has a job that requires me to extravert about 75% of the time.  It is exhausting, but I can and have done it...for decades.

So it is that conversations with two coaching clients today explored their needs to choose behaviors that are not naturally easy to them in order be more effective leaders.  As I helped them discover how they could allow themselves to slip into a role, it didn't seem all that difficult.  We were able to identify times in their lives during which they'd learned a new role that had by now become so familiar to them that they could hardly remember what it was like before they chose it.

This ability to transcend who we might naturally be and step into a much bigger role opens countless doors. I call it leadership, but maybe it is "just" conscious living. The ability in a moment to be conscious of who we are, what our tendencies are, the stories we've told ourselves about what we can and can't do, and then to choose the behavior we want brings intention to life in our lives. We step into the life that we would have rather than the life we inherited.  Consciousness, intention, and action.

I used to struggle with this a bit.  "If we choose to act contrary to who we are, is that 'authentic?' I have wondered. But after much reflection, I believe it is much more authentic.  If we just act with what comes naturally, we are doing so without thought.  Reflecting--even soul-searching--and then choosing what is in integrity with who we choose to be: that is authentic.

I would like to say that I do that all the time.  I know there have been times when I acted that authenticity much more than I do now.  The pace of my life has lulled me into this trancelike state--the sleeping state that men call waking--where I forget to remember that above all else, we have free will.  I can choose who I will become by the behaviors I demonstrate in large and small ways...every day, every hour, every minute.

As I listened to the wisdom spill across my clients' lips, I knew that on some level they were advising me.  Wake up and become who you choose to be!