The Headwaters

My mother was never going to be nominated "Mother of the Year," but I feel it is important to give credit where it is due.  When our birthday's arrived, we were the center of everything.  Everyone ate what the birthday person wanted to eat, did what the birthday person wanted to do, and watched what the birthday person wanted to watch on TV.  It was a very big deal from a parent who largely didn't seem care what we wanted the rest of the year.

Today was my birthday.  It was a landmark one that I won't mention.  For the last several years I've spent the day alone.  Last year I dined with a friend who didn't know it was my birthday until we were almost done eating. Another year I had a dinner party, but with one exception, no one remembered it was my birthday. It's not that I want a birthday party or anything. I am an introvert; mostly parties are utterly painful. Surprise birthday parties are the very worst.  I do like people I care about to remember, and I like to dine with one or two close friends.  I got several birthday emails and texts today.  Thanks to all who remembered.

As my special day had approached, I've been restless. I am a big girl; I know the special treatment all day thing was for a kid. Still, I wanted to mark the day in a special way--a trip maybe--but couldn't settle on anything.  I've been working long hours, and even scheduling a trip has proven a challenge. A couple of weeks ago I realized that work commitments had closed the window on a trip, so I put in a leave request for today.  At least I wouldn't be working today.

I decided that a day of pampering would be perfect.  I don't think I've ever scheduled a whole day of special treatment for me: a pedicure, a manicure, a facial, and a luscious two-hour massage.  That would salve my self-pity, I thought.  I went to bed when I wanted, which, for me, is always very late.  I awakened when I stopped sleeping.  Maybe it would be the perfect day.

I struggled to remember a dream which I recalled as being vivid, but couldn't recall any details at all. So, I moved into meditation position.  Almost the moment my eyes fell closed, I saw a familiar and almost sacred place to me:  Paulina Spring.  A friend first took me to the "spring" in Central Oregon almost 30 years ago.  I have loved it since first seeing it. 

When I was living in Oregon, I would always enjoy heading there on walks and bike rides when I was in the area.  However, for probably 20 years, Paulina Spring has been my frequent refuge in meditation.  Paulina Spring defines "peaceful spot" for me.

I believe Paulina Spring is properly called a spring, but it is also the headwaters for a creek that quickly gains volume and speed just feet from the spring, first as a marsh, and eventually meandering through Black Butte Ranch.  My special place is right where a number of springs gurgle out of the middle of a grassy horseshoe-shaped knoll.  The sound of the bubbling is mesmerizing, and on a pretty sunny day has been known to lull me to sleep.

That impression this morning shifted my whole day from one of salving my wounds to gathering energy for the future.  As the spring quickly gains speed to become something much greater, I felt like my meditations were saying, "Paulina Spring has a lesson for you." I listened. It was water of life for me...and helped me have a perfectly different birthday.

I struggle to put into words what I seemed to know in a whole as I saw that picture in my mind's eye because there were different aspects but not separate pieces.  First and foremost, however, was that this was about a beginning. Accomplishment is in the future not in reflecting on the passing of another year. The spring was flowing forth with great energy to give life abundantly to hundreds of species throughout its watershed.  I too have a job to bring great energy and to give life--to help people find life from the inside out--from what they know in their hearts.

But there was more.  There is chaos in the bubbling and mingling of waters, and at the same time there is incredible peace as the flow follows as it has timelessly for decades, maybe centuries or even millennia.  A natural order exists, and all we have to do is allow it--to literally go with the flow instead of resisting what wants to happen. 

So it is that my perfect birthday began, settling in to the natural order and what wants to happen instead of making up how my day should have been but will never be.  I surrender a watered down reflection on what has been and embraced a celebration of what can be.  This new year has all the earmarks of a great adventure.