This morning's speaker at church was a young woman, who is a seminarian. I believe she has delivered the homily once before, but she is clearly new to the pulpit. I always find interesting the sources of inspiration that the seminarians call upon. She chose Thurber and Jung, two of my favorite sources as well.
As she spoke of Jung and his description of our need to get to know our Shadows, I admit my mind drifted. My mind floated off to yesterday's post about being back in my groove, my post on Emotional Intelligence and Intention (4/9,) and to conversations about Jung and the Shadow over the past 25 years. Many years ago a speaker on the topic described that we all have all possibilities within us. Whatever is the opposite of how we usually are is our Shadow. He continued, "Even Mother Teresa had an axe-murderer within her, and," he continued, "even the axe-murderer has a Mother Teresa within." That was a startling concept, but if we do all have all possibilities, it must be true.
When I've written about the self-awareness and self-management aspects of emotional intelligence, it has usually been from the perspective of what holds us back or what are we afraid of, but if we are honest with ourselves, Jung would say we do have darker places within us. I blame my Irish heritage for an occasional outburst. (I get "my Irish up.") Thankfully, probably because of self-awareness and self-management over the years, those outbursts have become more and more rare, shorter in duration, and blow over very quickly. I still don't like it when it happens, but I seem not to be stop it completely.
The passage of scripture upon which the seminarian's remarks were based was from Romans. Paul was wrestling with his own Shadow, wondering why he did things that he knew were "evil" and neglected doing things that were "good." (Romans 7:18-19)
I have written before about being introverted and having a job that requires me to extravert 90 percent of my days. When the evening and weekends come, in the words of the Greta Garbo in film classic Grand Hotel "I want to be alone."* Yet as I contemplated my Shadow this morning, I remembered times when I had more introverted work when I had done more volunteer work in my community. I've even been considering volunteering for something I would love to do but it happens on Friday evenings--the absolute low energy point for any introvert who extraverts at work. Has my introversion become my Shadow, or am I just listening to my inner knowing? Where do we draw the line?
As much of an advocate as I am for listening to our hearts and going/doing what they guide us, today I am keenly aware of the consequences of some of those decisions. The consequences are like the Shadows for our hearts. Until we look at them, they pop up unexpectedly just like my little outbursts.
I've lived several different places around the country and have friends and "adopted families" from Coast to Coast, but the truth is that most of those relationships are not the deep and abiding kind that result from having spent a lifetime in the same place and decades building relationships. Mostly on holidays and special days, I am alone, just as I was on the most recent one. Where did following my heart and my desire to "be alone" become my lonely Shadow?
Just a few days ago I was having a conversation with a relatively new friend about my life choices and their consequences. I said, and I meant, "There is nothing that I would have wanted to miss. Even when the consequences were not the most desirable, often those are the times I have grown the most."
I said when I started the blog that it was about the questions I wrestle with and the answers I am seeking. I'd love to say I have an answer for my spiritual dilemma, but I don't. Yet one thing about which I am certain, if we don't consciously and intentionally examine our Shadows, they will drive us. At least most of my decisions to follow my heart have been conscious ones, often made with great deliberation.
*From "Grand Hotel" http://www.tcm.com/mediaroom/video/582338/Grand-Hotel-Movie-Clip-I-Want-To-Be-Alone-.html
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