Intimate Friendships

Last night I started reading the book Frientimacy* by Shasta Nelson.  I first became aware of the book when the Transformation-Cafe podcast chose it for a book club selection last summer; I bought it at that time.  My attention was captured in the first chapter. Nelson reports that when she asks audiences, "Do you wish you had more deep and meaningful friendships?" nearly every hand rises. She asked over 12,000 women about their relationships, and over half reported that their friendships weren't very satisfying.

My March 5 blogpost "Warm Fuzzies" revealed that I am in a season of examining the state of my own friendships.  It should not be surprising then that Frientimacy, which has been on  my nightstand for three-quarters of a year, should "suddenly" grab my attention.

I've written previously about the Buddhist concept that "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."  This week has been rich with opportunities to examine the state of my friendships.  I have to say that for at least the last two or three years, if I had been in Nelson's audience, my hand would have registered affirmatively when asked about wanting deeper and more meaningful friendships. For a long time, I accepted responsibility.  A definite clue to the problem was that I needed to schedule lunches with friends months in advance.

Then I started making time, and I found that some people were still not available, yet others would leap tall buildings to make sure we could get together.  This week I spent really rich time with two friends.  At the end of each, I felt even closer.  In the same period of time one person that I've considered a close friend avoided responding to an email, and another said she could make time in the 3rd Quarter, as if she were scheduling me in her business plan.

After several weeks away from my Spanish lessons, I started listening again today as I walked my errands on a gorgeous spring day.  Many/most latin languages make a distinction in grammar in the form of a verb that is used to address a close friend as opposed to the verb that is used for an acquaintance.  I kept stumbling on the distinction as I practiced responding to prompts during my lessons. When I was supposed to be replying to a close friend, I'd use the form for an acquaintance.

About an hour into the lessons, it occurred to me that this may be what is going on in my life...except in reverse.  I want "close friends," but I've been addressing those who want to be responded to as "acquaintances."  Suddenly it came to me that these are twice-a-year, thin-coating-of-friendship people required the formal version of the verb. I say this while fully recognizing that that my comfort level with relationships may often have been varying layers of veneer. Unknowingly, I may have teed these relationships up with that expectation.

I really value those that I had good times with in a veneer sort of way. But that's just not sufficient for me anymore.  I want the deep and meaningful friendships of which Nelson writes.  As the title of the book suggests, intimacy is the vessel through which we have those relationships.

Over 20 years ago, my understanding of intimacy was profoundly shaped by my author friend Mark Youngblood in his book Life at the Edge of Chaos. He describes "intimacy" as "in-to-me-see." I spent several days in meditation around this concept after reading it. I recognized the barriers I put up to people seeing into my heart.  I ached for days.

While I craved intimacy, I recognized that I had at least two problems with it.  First, connected silence is essential.  Walk to the edge of something really uncomfortable and take a deep breath--kind of like jumping off the high dive. Except in friendship, we walk to the edge, take a deep breath, and dive together. There is a level of tension that comes with just sitting with someone while they work up courage to metaphorically jump.  While I think I am very good with this my profession, I am lousy at it in my personal life.  Changing the subject has been my habit more often than I'd like to admit.

The second challenge that I have had is with the people I attract into my life.  Like a homing pigeon, I can find the people who will be incapable of intimacy with uncanny accuracy.  Clearly, I have begun to shift that trend, as witnessed by those intimate conversations I've had recently. If they can't go there, then I have been able to say that I want the intimacy, and I can still be rescued from the responsibility required to create it.

This is about love--the kind of divine love that I've written about at length...what connects us all.  We can't get there until we drop the barriers and let others see into our hearts and souls. In one of the best-selling books of all time--The Road Less Traveled--author M. Scott Peck actually describes love as "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth."

In that definition I believe that he has described intimate friendship. I see into my own heart. I see into the heart of my friend. I let my friends see into me. We jump together. We both grow. Love grows between us and in the Universe as well. Perhaps the reason so many of us crave it so is that the world needs.  I started to write that I couldn't do superficial any more, but the truth is that I can: I am just unwilling. I am setting for the power of my intention to attract more intimate relationships for the rest of my life AND to have the courage to step into them.

In the richness of my exploration, perhaps what I am finding is me.




*Frientimacy by Shasta Nelson, Seal Press, 2016.
*Life at the Edge of Chaos, Mark Youngblood, Perceval Publishing, 1997.
*The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck, M.D., Touchstone/Simon & Schuster, 1978.

Relationships

Whatever your belief system, I am fairly confident that I can say, life is not a dress rehearsal. Whether you think that this life is one and done or that you will live many lives, we don't get do-overs for this one. Why, then, I have asked myself in recent years, have I invested so much spiritual energy in earning a living and so little on the things that really matter?  I wish I could answer that, but if I had been that conscious, I probably would have been making different decisions.

In the summer of 2015 I completed a Psychology of Happiness certification.  The Number One Habit of happy people?  Relationships.  As I raced through evenings and weekends of studying about happiness after long days of racing from meeting to meeting at work, I lamented the state of my relationships.  It is not that my relationships were bad; they were just all arms-length or physically distant.

Fast forward to February 2017, and nothing much has changed.  I am once again taking a class in which I am learning about the importance of relationships--this time the value is to my health. Yes, I eat right; superfoods line my pantry and make my refrigerator bulge. I exercise regularly. I meditate. But, even with a decades-old commitment to health, do you think I have done anything about the state of my relationships?  Nyet.

I have very dear friends who are scattered all over the globe.  I did receive a calendar from a friend in Tokyo. I email another in Greece a few times a month. Skype connects me with one in California a couple times a year, and thankfully I Skype with another a couple times a month. My college roommate and I have been spiritually close since we met, but often go months without talking.  Just last evening I dined with four old work pals which get together two or three times a year, and I have dinner with two others from a different job a couple times a year. I see my closest friends two to three times a year. My best friend and I may make it four times a year these days.

I am grateful to have all these people in my life, and, there's nothing like curling up on the couch with a friend, a bowl of popcorn, and a movie, especially if we just decided to get together spontaneously. Best of all for me, is the unplanned drop-in.  Someone who knows they will be welcomed and loved anytime they grace my doorstep, and I won't care if I have study materials scattered all over the living room floor from study.  Whatever happens it is OK.  Unfortunately, I don't have any of those kinds of relationships.  In fact, mostly I don't have any relationships that don't have to be scheduled months in advance.

Maybe I delude myself with memories of a different time or a different place, but I recall such relationships...almost every time of my life until the last 15 years.  If life is not a dress rehearsal, and I know that relationships are good for both health and happiness, what have I been waiting for?  Beats me.

The best news of all is that I am now creating my own life, one day at a time.  I am now conscious that if I don't take building relationships seriously, no one else is going to do it for me...and I will probably die with the same weary state of my relationships.  A few days ago when I wrote that I was in the best place I've been in for a while, except for a couple things: strengthening relationships was one of them.

I have open invitations for lunch with a new friend and coffee with another. I'm waiting for another friend to recover from surgery to get together. I brunched with another work colleague Sunday, and we committed to seeing each other more often.  (She is good about texting, which may be the 21st Century replacement for the drop-in visit. Amazingly, it does feel quite connected.)

I had a friend in my building over for casual soup and cornbread this evening.  We met when I first moved to the building.  She's always been friendly but passing occasionally in the entry or the grocery store is as far as the friendship developed.  We had really never had a conversation until tonight.  I feel enriched by the time we spent together.

The college roommate and I committed to walking and talking together or having tea together through the wonders of modern technology that bridge the 500-mile divide between us. I may even schedule a Skype with Tokyo or Greece.  I definitely need to get back to North Carolina to see my friend and her two little ones.

In some ways, it feels like this may be the friendship equivalent of throwing spaghetti against the wall to see what sticks, but I have to start somewhere.  I care about each of these women, so they seem to be a good start. After all, when I think about what is really important in my life, it is friendships...happy, connected relationships. How can I create my life without them?  I feel that 2017 will be the year that is foundational in having a satisfying relationship habit and the happiness that is sure to follow.

Lazy Summer Day

Saturday I had a wonderful lazy afternoon with a dear friend.  We lunched ever so slowly on my balcony, enjoying a little prosecco as we looked at some art photos she had developed and talked of both past and anticipated travel adventures. We luxuriated on a comfortably warm, late summer afternoon. We also spoke of challenges and deeper things.

Tonight I shared a bi-weekly call with another friend.  For the first bit I was walking as we talked, and then I found a shady park bench and just enjoyed the conversation.  We chatted of triumphs, challenges, and, aware of the coming Jewish New Year, of hopes for the year ahead.

One of the Seven Habits of Happiness in the class I just completed is "Relationships." The first habit we explored in the class, it is the one in which I feel the greatest void. I've truly pondered how I can fix that situation, but I can't resurrect family members that are no longer with us. When I've moved, although friends have said they would come and visit, each time only one has actually done that--one time. One of the prices I've paid for needing to start over again later in life by moving to a new city is that at a certain stage in life my contemporaries are solidly in long-term relationships.  I have a few friends who are there occasionally, but the truth is that they are infrequent relationships.

These were the first times since my class that I spent time with friends.  With each, I really savored our time together.  While I often rush from one event in my life to another without really enjoying any of it, in these times I was present, totally in the moment, mindful, and grateful--all habits of happiness.

As a definite introvert, I more often than not go through life happily alone, but my class and time on Saturday heightened my awareness of how relationships enrich my life, so instead of slipping into church, participating in worship, and quietly slipping out the side door as I usually do, yesterday I made a point to introduce myself to a couple I hadn't seen or talked to before. Today, I went out of my way to talk with someone in my office that I usually just greet in passing.

I believe that my happiness boils down to holding myself accountable.  Taking a class won't do it unless I act on what I have learned, and this week I've really learned how important relationships are. I am holding myself accountable for creating more of them.

Friendships

My staycation has ended up being a raincation.  This June was the wetest June in Washington history by three inches, and the downpours didn't even hiccup moving into July.  We are not talking drizzle here, but serious rain.  Last Sunday delivered two inches in one day.  So much for lingering over a light read by the pool, hiking, and biking in the park.

With that said, I've luxuriated over books that I've wanted to get into and have finally been able, as well as doing spot reading in other books.  At the first of each month, I used to faithfully visit LifeCycles by Christine Delorey, a wonderful introduction to numerology and the spiritual lessons that await us each month.  The pace of my life has been such that when I picked up LifeCycles at the beginning of this month, I realized I hadn't opened it since last fall.

Much of my growth in the month of July is about friendships, and as I read Delorey's words, I found them quite moving.  "Friends will be friends no matter what," she said, "separated by thousands of miles and lifetimes of years.  The bonds of real friendship cannot be broken." (p. 195)

She continued, "Take a hard look at those you call friends and ask, is that how you feel about them."

The words and the meditation that followed set me into a reverie about friendships, several of which are "...separated by thousands of miles."  I am sure that I am not the only one who has had someone walk into my life, and I knew within minutes that we would be fast friends for the rest of our lives. My college roommate Donna immediately comes to mind.  It is funny to think that we  actually only lived together about four months, but she is among my dearest friends in the world.  Now separated by 500 miles, each time we are together, we always pick up as if we'd been together yesterday, even when it has often been years.

There have often been parallels in our lives during the times when we haven't been communicating regularly, and we've sometimes laughed as we've shared our similar tales.  At times it feels like God put us here as one and then split us apart, yet somehow we've remained magically connected.

Another is my friend Amy who is 2400 miles across the country.  I met her on an elevator at a conference in Mexico almost 20 years ago, when she recognized my name on my name badge.  She had just read Leading from the Heart, which had hardly hit the market.  Before the conference ended, the bonds of friendship were sealed.  A few months later when she came to visit a cousin near Washington, we rendezvoused at her home for almost 24 hours of non-stop talking.

Although we've had some lapses, we have talked every week or every other week for much of the 20 years in between.  I feel like I know her better than a sister, even though we have only met face to face once or twice more since.  (Through the modern miracle of Skype, we now see each other on our every-other-week calls.)

I recall meeting a professional colleague for a networking coffee when I first came to Washington. We met at 1 p.m., and, when we got up to leave, I thought there was something wrong with my watch, which showed almost 5 p.m.  We were both shocked. Time had truly stood still.

There really are a small handful of people, some now gone from the world, who are/were instant and continuous friends.  If there is any justice, we will continue together in other lifetimes.  However, in my reverie this week I recalled Delorey's other admonition, "Take a hard look at those you call friends and ask, is that how you feel about them."

Leading from the Heart came out during my first full year living in North Carolina.  I recall thinking how well I'd done at making friends...until the bottom fell out of my consulting/coaching/speaking business in the dot.com bust.  Then I discovered most were fair-weather friends.  The people that I still count as NC friends either didn't know I had written books, I met after things had unwound, or I met on the dance floor.

A number of times during those years, I recalled a client I'd had in Oregon who shared that he had been a millionaire and then lost it all.  When he had to file for bankruptcy, most of his friends and his much younger wife deserted him.

How do we know?  While I think Delorey is correct that every now and then we need to take a hard look at people we claim as friends.  Yet, I would not want to be one who guards herself from potential friends for fear of being deserted when the waters of life are rough. In that way, I might not have let Donna or Amy in, and what a loss that would have been; I hope for all of us.

Friendships are a bit like investments.  We never really know when we will strike gold, but if we don't take the risk, we will always lose. I will continue to risk having the grace of special friends showered on me.

Friendship

I am taking a course in the Psychology of Happiness, and as homework I've just spent several hours reading about and reflecting on "friendship."  It seems that having one good friend with whom we can share confidences or inner feelings is essential to happiness.  The value of friendship is in quality and not quantity, so if we have 20 friends but none with whom we can share our innermost thoughts, they are of less value than one with whom we can share.  And, that one: will not only make us happier, but healthier as well.

While reading Aristotle on the nature of friendship is not exactly the light reading I might prefer for a Saturday afternoon, the ancient philosopher does raise a lot of questions about the true nature of friendship.  Are we friends because of something we get from a person?  Aristotle calls that "utility," and he professes that is not friendship but "profit."  He also describes friendship of "duty," and friendship that is really love to gain love in return.

What has interested me most in his intellectual/philosophical meanderings is the description of a friendship of pure delight in each other's company, where we love without concern of being loved in return.  Now, that's what I call friendship.  In my experience such friendships are rare to be preciously tended.

Forty years ago, give or take, I walked into a room in an aging dormitory building to meet a new roommate.  In less than 30 minutes time, I was certain we would be friends for life, and so far, I have been correct. We have gone long periods without seeing each other face to face, but usually talking at least once or twice a year.  Always, we seem to pick up just where we left off.

It never occurred to me to be concerned that I would get anything from the relationship but pure delight.  Each time we are together that is exactly what I feel--pure delight.

Last weekend she and I met for the weekend in New York City.  We tromped all over Manhattan, taking on the mysteries of the New York subway system and seeing as many sites as we could take in during two days.  I even walked 12 blocks once, just to end up almost from where I departed. Despite bitter cold and an unexpectedly early snowstorm, we embraced the city with gusto, talking for hours on end into the night.  The years peeled away, and we were 20 again. Well, except for some gray hair and a few lines.

I still have lots of Aristotle to plow through, but so far I've read nothing to suggest that he really got that instant relationship that "clicks" for a lifetime.  Having had such a friendship is a gift of my lifetime.  What a blessing that such a miracle crossed through my life, and I had the wisdom and dexterity to grab it.