Boundaries

Washington is in the middle of a week of brutally hot weather, exceeding 100 degrees and shattering long-standing records.  With the humidity, our heat indices have been even more relentless. Yet this morning I've been quite comfortably luxuriating on my north-facing balcony with a slight breeze. I breakfasted outdoors, a guilty pleasure I've enjoyed most of my adult life.  As I did so, I found my mind drifting back to several patios, decks, and balconies on which I had breakfasted and to the friends with whom I had  shared stories and laughed as we ate.

Before eating, I had finished a novel that I started a month ago on my staycation. In it the main characters started the book as boys, and by the end, they had become old men with failing eyesight. The book left me in a reflective space, which may have spawned my breakfast reverie.  I've been thinking about this post for some time. For once I am not going to use the excuse of no time to write. If you had asked I wouldn't have known why I hadn't written, but this morning I know that I just hadn't had enough perspective.

I believe the expression "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear" came from the I Ching, but I also believe that a number of Eastern philosophies hold something similar to be true. During my outdoor breakfast contemplation this morning, the pieces began to fall into place for me.  I, as the student, must be ready because lots of opportunities to learn a similar lesson have appeared.

During my four-month detail last fall and early winter, I became keenly aware that my life had spun totally out of control in recent years--to the extent that my physical and mental health were being compromised and my relationships were back-burnered, awaiting that precious "time" for nurturing. Certainly, time for writing, which really nourishes my soul, had become a low priority. I fell asleep from exhaustion when I tried to meditate. I had to be away from my long-standing, abusive work environment to get the perspective to recognize that.

In those treasured four months, I was able to see what had evaded me for so long. In my situation I had lost either the self-respect or the self-confidence to set and stick to my boundaries.  When I returned to my permanent job, I wrote in big block letters with a box around them on the whiteboard behind my desk, where I looked at it every time I entered my office, "boundary clarity."

In a matter of days, I was tested.  An unsustainable level of dark work again began flowing at me from very high places. Encouraged by my "boundary clarity" reminder, I began telling my clients that I would work with them, but it would be three months, four months, and even five months later.  I brought in a contractor to do work with one client organization, which had needs that wouldn't wait. Still, the darkness and the volume of the work were too much.

Within a month I knew something had to change.  After several conversations with my new boss, it became clear that the organization was more concerned about keeping my very senior customers happy than in keeping me healthy and happy. No relief would be coming, but I was assured that I was very good at this work.  After an unusually frightening dream about the same time, I knew I had to leave.  I began the process of planning for an end-of-the-summer departure.  I was quite transparent with my boss and his boss about planning for an August separation.

I had no other job from which to make money, and I really need serious income for several years yet I knew I needed to take care of myself. My friends worried a bit more than I did about how I would live, but as soon as I got very clear about needing to move on, I had faith that something would work out.  My big focus was on getting my clients, most of whom I'd worked with for years, to a good transition point. I learned about a month ago that the boss didn't really think I'd go, but he obviously doesn't know my courage when my spiritual path has become clear to me, and it had become very clear to me.

As soon as I had become very clear, out of the blue I received a call from a potential employer.  Job announcements began falling into my email inbox with regularity.  Even USAJobs, which has seldom had appropriate jobs, sent me a promising vacancy announcement. I am now just five weeks from my departure date, and I have two very strong prospects, each of which allows me to work in my "sweet spot," and each of which will be a significant increase in income.  Perhaps as encouraging is that along the way as I networked with former bosses and colleagues, I found great sources for independent contract work.

In parallel, I realized how my work situation has made me unavailable for time with friends and even to pursue a primary relationship.  In fact, for the first time in a long time, I added up how many years it had been since I'd had more than a date or two with someone.  It wasn't an acceptable number.  I began focusing my intention on at least meeting some men.  I had first dates with people I would have just checked off my list a year ago.  Most of them weren't serious prospects, but I was at least getting out and sending the Universe a message that I was serious.

Along the way, something else happened.  While I just didn't have much in common with most of these men, there was another category.  The only way I can describe them is "Really?!"  The one who pronounced that he had two other women in his life but would like to add others. "Really?!" There was one who was married but said his wife was OK with him dating others. "Really?!"  Last week, there was one who seriously treated me like a child. "Really?!"  I wanted to add, "What do I look like?" but the truth is, I probably looked like a doormat, both at work and in my personal life.

I like to be nice to people.  If I have ever been rude, it was either because I was tired or didn't realize what I was doing.  In each of these cases, I just walked out.  The last one in the middle of dinner at a famous-chef restaurant that I really love. As a serious foodie, that should have been hard, but it wasn't. Following each of these, someone more interesting followed.  I'm still not there yet, but...progress.

In the 2006 movie "The Holiday," one of two female leads, Iris, played by Kate Winslet, has also been down on her confidence and has allowed her former boyfriend to walk all over her.  In the movie, she meets an octogenarian, who is former screenwriter.  He begins "assigning" her movie viewing of classic films, all of which have strong women leads.  After said boyfriend crosses the line yet one more time, she kicks him out of her life.  He is incredulous.  "What's gotten into you, Iris?" he asks.

After a pause, she replies, "I think it is something resembling gumption." And, away she sends him.

As I've been contemplating this post over the last few weeks, that scene and those words have played over and again in my mind.  Where did my gumption go, and more importantly, how did I let it go. I have been a strong woman most of my adult life.  Anyone who has known me before this century would certainly have laughed at the thought that I didn't have confidence.  A former dance partner once remarked (paraphrased for the general audience) "You have more moxie than any man I know."

"Where did it go?" is still a question I ponder, but mostly, I don't care. What I am passionate about is sustaining it into what feels to me like the next phase of my life--one that promises to be the best ever.

While both personally and professionally my life has been about helping others, I now know that I can't sustain my help for others if I don't take care of my first.  How many coaching clients have I reminded that the airlines always warn us to put the oxygen mask over our own faces before attempting to help children around us. On this turn of the hero's journey, I've gotten this lesson differently than I had before.  Saying "Sorry, I can't help me, I need to take care of myself," really is uncomfortable to even consider, but, whatever comes next, that is a clear boundary that I must enforce.

Boundaries and Priorities

I went by my old office today to plug my computer into the network, which updates software and allows me to perform functions that I can only perform when I am "in house."  I thought I would coach two clients from there rather than by phone since I was in the building.  I needed to chat with my boss about my detail. Slam dunk, I thought: three hours tops.  Out by 4 p.m., I guessed. Wrong!  I walked out just before the 7 p.m. closing of the entrance to our building closest to the Metro.

How did this happen, I thought, as the security guard swung by our office at 6 to see why I was there so late.  I've continued to ponder that question into the evening.  I took a walk and thought about it more.  I need to be better about establishing priorities and setting boundaries.  I have made the assumption that if something was on my plate, I had to do it.

As I walked, I thought, I need to be better about assessing the consequences.  If bad consequences will result, I should probably do a task.  If really bad consequences will result, I should definitely do it. But, what, I asked myself were bad consequences.  I've learned during this detail that I can push things off for several months that I used to think needed immediate attention.  No bad consequences. No dire consequences.

I also thought about what were bad consequences.  I actually sat and brought my relaxed self to conversations with three colleagues.  I took time to embrace and connect with another colleague who is battling cancer and was back in the office.  Sitting and talking have not been luxuries that I thought I could afford, but the truth is that neglecting those relationships may have carried the worst consequences.

Yes, I will submit my input for my evaluation for to not do so would be foolish and may have significant consequences.  But, my email box that is in Outlook Limbo, I have no ideas what will happen if it overflows.  So I don't get email.  I have an out-of-office message that says I won't be back until February.  Shrug!  Somewhere in between is the password that I need to update, which seems always to need to be updated.  Maybe yes, maybe no.

Most important of my discoveries today is that I need to make myself a priority.  I am much better leaving an office at 5 than at 7, especially since my days start at 7:30.  Getting my exercise, having a relaxed dinner, reading a book, and getting a good night's sleep have been the bottom on my priorities, which I've learned are really nourishing to me.

If this all seems like common sense that I could/should have figured out decades ago, you're right.  I should have.  I didn't.  I am getting it now.  Better late than never.

Boundary issues

In the realm of "Duhhh! Why did it take you so long to notice?" I have figured out I have boundary issues. 

Wednesday a colleague briefed me on a personal assessment which indicated that I don't advocate for myself.  That's a concept!  Advocate for myself.  It was totally right.  I don't.  I have to say that I was dumbstruck by the revelation though.  Not that I would have argued that I do advocate for myself.  It's just that advocating for myself has just never been on my radar.

As those of you who have been regular readers know, I've been working way too many hours all year, and I had drawn a line in the sand to stop in September.  It was just "coincidence*" that the assessment was briefed for me on the morning of our second work day in September.  As several hours passed, I became more and more aware of how many of the little irritants at work had been pushed on me simply because I let them be.  Push back is just not something I've ever done.  Now I get it.

Today was the third day in a row that I've only worked 9 to 9.5 hours.  I am beginning to feel again.  I took two dance classes tonight and actually have the physical energy and mental focus to fully participate.  I had a lot of fun.  I want more of this in my life. 

At about 4 p.m. today, a schedule for a major project which will last most of the rest of the year was dumped on me.  I was already at about 110% capacity through the second week of November.  Tomorrow, I will push back.  Technically, I've been breaking the law by working so many hours anyway, so I really can't see that there will be any negative consequences.  If there are, can they really be any worse than a year of 12-hour days?

I finally got it: I have boundary issues.  Self-awareness is really huge for me.  Once I get something, I generally act decidedly on my intention to change.  I know things are going to get a lot better now.



*In spirit speak, a coincidence is a coinciding event--two things that appear to be unrelated except by divine intervention--occur.  I think that it is a coinciding event that on Monday I am going into a five-day class which promises to be rich in other self-awareness.  Who knows? A week from now, I will probably have a whole new lease on life, and Lord knows, I could use it.  Stay tuned!