Relationships

Whatever your belief system, I am fairly confident that I can say, life is not a dress rehearsal. Whether you think that this life is one and done or that you will live many lives, we don't get do-overs for this one. Why, then, I have asked myself in recent years, have I invested so much spiritual energy in earning a living and so little on the things that really matter?  I wish I could answer that, but if I had been that conscious, I probably would have been making different decisions.

In the summer of 2015 I completed a Psychology of Happiness certification.  The Number One Habit of happy people?  Relationships.  As I raced through evenings and weekends of studying about happiness after long days of racing from meeting to meeting at work, I lamented the state of my relationships.  It is not that my relationships were bad; they were just all arms-length or physically distant.

Fast forward to February 2017, and nothing much has changed.  I am once again taking a class in which I am learning about the importance of relationships--this time the value is to my health. Yes, I eat right; superfoods line my pantry and make my refrigerator bulge. I exercise regularly. I meditate. But, even with a decades-old commitment to health, do you think I have done anything about the state of my relationships?  Nyet.

I have very dear friends who are scattered all over the globe.  I did receive a calendar from a friend in Tokyo. I email another in Greece a few times a month. Skype connects me with one in California a couple times a year, and thankfully I Skype with another a couple times a month. My college roommate and I have been spiritually close since we met, but often go months without talking.  Just last evening I dined with four old work pals which get together two or three times a year, and I have dinner with two others from a different job a couple times a year. I see my closest friends two to three times a year. My best friend and I may make it four times a year these days.

I am grateful to have all these people in my life, and, there's nothing like curling up on the couch with a friend, a bowl of popcorn, and a movie, especially if we just decided to get together spontaneously. Best of all for me, is the unplanned drop-in.  Someone who knows they will be welcomed and loved anytime they grace my doorstep, and I won't care if I have study materials scattered all over the living room floor from study.  Whatever happens it is OK.  Unfortunately, I don't have any of those kinds of relationships.  In fact, mostly I don't have any relationships that don't have to be scheduled months in advance.

Maybe I delude myself with memories of a different time or a different place, but I recall such relationships...almost every time of my life until the last 15 years.  If life is not a dress rehearsal, and I know that relationships are good for both health and happiness, what have I been waiting for?  Beats me.

The best news of all is that I am now creating my own life, one day at a time.  I am now conscious that if I don't take building relationships seriously, no one else is going to do it for me...and I will probably die with the same weary state of my relationships.  A few days ago when I wrote that I was in the best place I've been in for a while, except for a couple things: strengthening relationships was one of them.

I have open invitations for lunch with a new friend and coffee with another. I'm waiting for another friend to recover from surgery to get together. I brunched with another work colleague Sunday, and we committed to seeing each other more often.  (She is good about texting, which may be the 21st Century replacement for the drop-in visit. Amazingly, it does feel quite connected.)

I had a friend in my building over for casual soup and cornbread this evening.  We met when I first moved to the building.  She's always been friendly but passing occasionally in the entry or the grocery store is as far as the friendship developed.  We had really never had a conversation until tonight.  I feel enriched by the time we spent together.

The college roommate and I committed to walking and talking together or having tea together through the wonders of modern technology that bridge the 500-mile divide between us. I may even schedule a Skype with Tokyo or Greece.  I definitely need to get back to North Carolina to see my friend and her two little ones.

In some ways, it feels like this may be the friendship equivalent of throwing spaghetti against the wall to see what sticks, but I have to start somewhere.  I care about each of these women, so they seem to be a good start. After all, when I think about what is really important in my life, it is friendships...happy, connected relationships. How can I create my life without them?  I feel that 2017 will be the year that is foundational in having a satisfying relationship habit and the happiness that is sure to follow.