What Brings Me To Life?

“I have my own soul. My own spark of divine fire.” George Bernard Shaw, Pygmalion and My Fair Lady

I flipped the TV on just in time to hear this line at the end of My Fair Lady over the weekend.  I've seen that movie several times and read Pygmalion at least twice.  I don't remember those two sentences.  For some reason this weekend they grabbed me and nearly paralyzed me.  I went to the desk and wrote down, "My own spark of divine fire."  Then I just sat and looked at it.

That I have my own spark of divine fire is not a new concept. I've felt it burning intensely within me before, often and for long periods of time.  I've written about it.  But Saturday those words captivated me.  As I've thought about it since, hearing those words was an awakening for me.  After many years of having my spark burn so brightly, I don't feel that now.  I may have realized it before, but I am not sure I had named it.   To acknowledge that was quite painful. The haunting questions have been: "How could I have lost that?" and more importantly, "How do I fan the flames of my spark again?"

I definitely feel like the last week of recovery and reflection have brought me to the place where I was ready to really hear those words and realize that somehow I lost myself.  I can't say exactly when it happened, but I do know that over the last two months when I had been writing I felt that divine spark again. I know that when I started exercising I felt that divine spark.  I know when I am in nature, I feel it. 

A number of years ago I was attending a conference at which one participant spoke of his personal way of staying in touch.  He said that when he is in doubt, he asks, "What brings me to life?" and "What brings life to me?" So simple, and yet I believe so true.

The hard part is being awake to that choice in each and every moment: the choice point that inevitably leads to our divine spark.  The divine spark in each of us is what brings us to life and burns brightly in us.

Somehow in my heart I know that I lose myself when I fall into autopilot life, going through the motions of life without really being present to it.  As I think about going back to work day after tomorrow, I know that I can be in that job and feel my own spark of divine fire, but I can only do that when I am awake and present in each moment.  Because, when I am awake and present, I can consciously ask myself, "What brings me to life?" and "What brings life to me?" And, then...just do it! 

Going to school

My life has seemed to go in cycles.  For a few years life flows swimmingly.  Money, relationships, health, and career all work well. Then, for no apparent reason, one day it shifts, and life can be very difficult for the next few.  While I certainly think the easy times are much more fun, in truth, I am sure that the difficult ones are more important to the evolution of my soul. 

I think of the difficult times as when we are in "spiritual school."  It is easy to have faith when everything is easy. I have learned the most about faith when it is tested.  Like in the life of the Biblical Job, if we are able to remember that we are on a spiritual journey, we come out the other side stronger and closer to whatever we consider the divine.  When things really fall apart, we are going to spiritual graduate school.

When I was publishing a book each year, writing several newspaper columns, consulting globally, and delivering a reasonable number of keynote addresses, I had lots of people around me who loved me.  Then the economy went bust...and my business with it.  Suddenly, most of my "friends" evaporated.  I found out who my true friends were.  I would never have learned what makes a real friend without those times.

Similarly, I won't ever really learn about forgiveness and gratitude until I need to forgive someone for a particularly wicked deed and then take it one step further to expressing gratitude for the deed. Twenty years ago a friend and I would talk about "being in lesson" at moments like that.  We would know that there was a spiritual purpose for our challenging times.  The more challenging the times, the more we were sure we were "in lesson."

School goes in other cycles too.  A different friend and I were talking over dinner Sunday about the same lessons that seem to keep showing up in our lives every few years. In my belief system those repeating lessons are ones that our souls signed up to master.  But, with each cycle, we learn something different.

I am a bit reluctant to announce at this early stage, but I feel a difficult cycle is approaching an end.  You may recall that a few days ago, I wrote about feeling as if I were pregnant (11/2/12.)  I've been restless and keep feeling like I have been about to deliver something.  Today, I think my "baby" is an easier stage of life.  In several arenas in life, I feel little breakthroughs, harbingers of better times.  I feel as if it might almost be safe to relax.  Ah!

While I look forward to easier times, I am cognizant of being truly grateful for the years I've been "in spiritual school," maybe this time for a spiritual post-doc.