In the middle of the chaos that is my work life, I just stopped the other day. I have no idea what made me do it, unless, of course, reducing my hours significantly allowed me to actually be conscious in my life. Actually, that is what stopped me. I suddenly realized that in the chaos, my mind couldn't drift anywhere. I had to be totally present.
As I thought about it, I smiled and a sense of peace washed over me. I have struggled to be present, and I have to admit that my mind does buzz more than a bit when I am not in the chaos. But, what a miracle to notice that the chaos actually forced me to be present.
I move through the day going from client meeting to client meeting and coaching sessions with a little instructional design and functionary work sandwiched in. I could not do my job if I couldn't totally let every little thing that was going on in my work just fall away so I could lend my total attention to the person/people in front of me in that moment.
While it seems a little thing, for me the realization was huge. I believe I've quoted spiritual teacher Carolyn Myss before, but please allow me to repeat. Myss has said our biggest spiritual challenge is to be present. At the end of many days, they just feel like a blur, but I now know that, moment by moment, I was actually almost totally present.
What is odd about this is that I've been thinking the chaos was what was keeping me from being present, and now I discover it is just the opposite: in order to do what I need to do, I must transcend everything else and focus on what is before me.
I feel like skipping, doing a happy dance, and screaming to the world, "I just discovered I can be present."
Now the question that I am sitting with is: "Was this the purpose for this chaos?" Did I need this craziness to learn how to let everything but what I am doing in that moment just drop away? And, now that I know how to do it, can I do it without the chaos? Those questions linger, but for now, I am celebrating this remarkable discovery.
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