Discovering the Truth About Ourselves

"Discovering the Truth about Ourselves" was jotted on a pad beside my computer.  I use it to capture ideas I have while in the bath or cooking or in the middle of the night when I don't really have time to blog, but I don't really want to lose the thought.  Most of the time when I sit to write the ideas just flow.  Today, I sat and looked at this one for a while.  I actually have some current thoughts about the topic, but for the life of me, I just can't remember what my original intention had been.  Maybe it will come.

I've been in a personal growth training this week.  Yesterday was very slow.  Today we got the results of two different assessments.  One of them was a 360.  If you aren't familiar with a 360, feedback is solicited from people all around me: my boss, my peers, a customer, and a coach that I have mentored.  The customer didn't get his input submitted in time for the report I received today, but the others did.

People, who I have coached, that have had a 360 assessment often discover they've had blind spots.  Feedback is often painful, so I thought I had steeled myself for the worst.  I was wrong.  Some of the items didn't surprise me.  I don't take time to socialize because I work 11- and 12-hour days and almost never even have time for lunch.  I totally own that I make the decision that it is more important for me to leave after 12 hours than to chat and leave after 12 and a half. 

I also got feedback that I don't mentor.  Same reasons apply, plus my field requires a graduate degree so it is not very practical to mentor someone without a bachelor's degree to do organizational development.  I had mentored the afore-mentioned coach for 10 hours and spent several more hours listening to his recorded sessions, but I don't talk about it.  Except for the person I coached, probably none of the others knew.  I am not sure what to do about that, but I can't see that I am going to publish (except anonymously in this post) that I am mentoring someone.  That is between me and the person with whom I am working.

What was really painful though was feedback that I received that I don't care about people.  I am not sure what kind of armor I've been stepping into lately that people have been seeing, but I bleed when people are hurting.  I lose sleep over a sleight. 

Actually, that's not quite true.  I have given this reflection over the last few hours. I do know what kind of armor I've been stepping into: it is the armor that gets me through those long days.  I just put my nose down and stay focused.  No one looking at me would know that my heart is aching at the end of a day of listening to people in pain from their workplace.  That is what I carry home with me.  It is the truth about me, and discovering it wasn't fun.  Yet, as I said a few days ago ("Growth Spurt," 9/6,)  I am ready to grow.  I can't do anything about this perception if I don't know about it.

The executive, who launched our program Monday morning, said something that really stuck a chord with me and has given me an important lesson.  She said that just before her first child was born, she worked late.  She put together packages of urgent projects with post-it notes containing instructions.  When she returned five months later, two of the urgent projects were just where she left them.  She said that she learned right then that no matter how important a project seemed to be, most of the time, it can wait.

A few days ago I wrote that on the first of September I was no longer going to work the killer hours.("Boundary Issues," 9/4)  The executive's words simply reinforced that decision.  The 360 feedback reinforced it even more.  It is time for me to take time to let the people around me know the person inside the armor and not the one they've been seeing and experiencing over the last year.

Even though the feedback was painful, it has served as a painful reminder that if I forget who I am, no one else has a chance to see me.