Open Heart Surgery

"You are faced with a situation that requires you to make the very changes you have been putting off.  Decisions must be made...By refusing to deal with these issues, you are preventing new opportunities from entering your life."  (DeLorey, Life Cycles, p. 198.)  From the description of the spiritual lessons I have to learn in September, described in DeLorey's powerful book on numerology, I got a chill of the accuracy of the prediction for a month that is two-thirds finished.

Almost since the moment that September began, I have found myself facing one growth experience after another.  First, there was the Laughter Yoga certification class I took as an admission that I really missed laughter.  Today I heard on Radio Lab that laughter is a function of social engagement.  When we are alone, it said, we don't laugh.  Well, duh! That is why I took the class which teaches fake laughter as an anecdote to the absence of real laughter.  (It has the same positive health benefits.) The truth is that lack of laughter is just one sign of what I miss from spending too much time alone. 

After that, just four days into the month, came the influence assessment, which indicated that I don't advocate for myself.  That, too, should have been a no-brainer.  Why else would I be working 1l- and 12-hour days?  But it also hit me over the head with my boundary issues. ("Boundary Issues," 9/4) 

Then, I got into the personal growth/leadership where I had the Aha! moment that, by being so nose-down, doing my work that people described me as insensitive and uncaring.  That was like a knife into my heart.  Open-heart surgery, I am calling it.

This week, I went for my annual physical to assure that I can use the gym at work.  Of course, I've probably only used it three or four times this year and only once since June.  The doctor reminds me that I've picked up five pounds (there could be a relationship) and tells me that my blood pressure has jumped 30 points.  (Fortunately, it has always been very low, so I am still well within optimal range, but still disturbing. I had it checked again at the end of the week, and it was back to close to my normal.)

The next day I followed up with one person who participated in my 360 assessment.  She related my change in behaviors to a specific incident in which I'd felt very threatened last year.  After a couple of decades of feeling like I had put my childhood coping mechanisms behind, without knowing what she was doing, this woman had told me that I was behaving like I was three again.  Oh, great!

I also taught a segment of a class on Emotional Intelligence, which reminded me that all of this self-awareness was meaningless unless I choose to change something.

The trend here is to slow down, work less, get a life, and connect more.  It is bigger than that though.  It was at age three that I chose to close my heart and chose high-quality work as my survival mechanism.  In the realm of "How's that workin' for you?" the answer is: it isn't. 

For 21 years I've been mostly alone, as attested to by the lack-of-laughter issue.  I've said I want someone special in my life, but I own that a dozen years ago I figured out that I've attracted men into my life who couldn't open their hearts because I couldn't open mine.  Closed hearts avoiding each other was my comfort zone.  I pledged at that point that I really wanted the next man in my life to be one who could love whole-heartedly.  That, of course, begs the question, "Why would someone who could love whole-heartedly want to be in relationship with someone whose heart is locked closed, and the lock is so rusted that even if I could find the key, it just might not work any longer.

So when I read the DeLorey quote above this afternoon, describing my spiritual growth assignment for this month, I knew in an instant that the issue that I must deal with is opening my heart. Nothing short of emotional open-heart surgery is what I am willing to do. I have no clue what that will look like. I plan to take a few days at the end of this month as I generally do around Rosh Hashanah to reflect, but I also know that this is not something I can totally resolve from the quiet and solitude of meditation. 

Emotional open-heart surgery happens in relationships.  I've already started slowing down at work and taking time to connect, even if just for a minute or two.  Voila!  It really feels good.  In the schema of the spiritual work that DeLorey writes about, this time of year sets the tone for the year ahead.  By expressing my intention to open my heart in September, I pray that the year ahead will be one of love and connection.