Could It Be Love?

Chapter Nine: Could It Be Love?

Funny that I should be led to the page of The Alchemy of Fear on Valentine's Day.  For whatever reason, I was.  A bit of a goose chase as it was, starting with my dream work from last night. When I translated the symbology, the message was clear. The quote at the front of this chapter captured it in English words:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us...We were born to manifest the glory of God within us...And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

The words are those of Marianne Williamson, but many people believe them to be from the late South African President Nelson Mandela because he quoted Williamson's words in his 1994 inaugural speech.

These are the words to which my dream led me this morning.  Without great detail, the images in my dream were of my power--great power--surrounding me on all sides, and I sat in sheer terror. Frozen. Afraid of my "power beyond measure." Afraid to let my light shine. But, the power was moving in on me, getting closer and closer, and as it did, the power seemed to increase.  And as it did, so did my fear.  Small wonder that I recalled this passage.

Only when I returned to the volume this evening to get the exact quotation did I realize that this--these haunting words--headed a chapter entitled "Could it be love?"

It has been said that we teach what we need to learn, and we write what we need to know.  Could it be that in this book, written 21 years ago--reaching the age of maturity, I was exploring the same spiritual questions that I am even today? Actually, it has been longer. As I am writing this, I recall a similar dream, recurring when I was younger.  Perhaps I've been working on this lesson my whole life.

On the second page of the chapter, I wrote, "The love...is an unconditional, universal love that spiritually connects us all through time and space. Time as we know it stops. A deep resonate peaceful energy seems to flow through us when we feel this kind of love. It is peaceful. It is joyful. It brings us to life with enthusiasm. We discover faith and trust."

The premise of the chapter is that there is only love and fear, and when we move beyond fear Universal love is what remains.  "Love is what life is about...Our purpose in life and work is to be love and bring more love into being."

My dream seemed to be saying, "Step into God's love and claim your power," and by so doing, make it safe for others to let their lights shine.  Before I can do that, though, I must look my fear in the eyes and move beyond into the "deep resonate peaceful energy" that "seems to flow through us." Apparently, I've been trying to do this for decades. I believe it is time for me to get over it.

Given the size of the power in my dream, the Universe is showing me that I can no longer run from it. My power will have its way with me, and I've fought the Universe on other things: it doesn't end well. The real power is in the surrender.  Surrender to God. Surrender to Love. I really know not what that means, but if I've been trying to learn this lesson most of my life, I would say it is time to hang on and find out.

What Holds Me Back?

Yesterday I wrote about my understanding of "intention" as an inner compass imprinted on the back of our hearts. It keeps us on track for what we are supposed to do in this life.  Kind of like a "purpose" but bigger than a "job," our heart's intention includes things like gifts and talents we have to develop and spiritual lessons that we are to learn in this life.

Almost since I clicked "publish" last night I've been struggling personally with what holds me back.  I don't think the answer is one thing but several (perhaps many?) things. All of those things might boil down to "fear."  Most religions have some concept about what separates us from God is fear, so , given the closeness to God that our intentions are, should we be surprised that it is fear that often keeps us from realizing them?

There is the fear of leaping--doing something big that we've never done before, and we don't really know how to do. Fear of failure is a big one: "What if I leap and fail?" haunts many of us.  I believe even bigger is the fear of success.  "What if I leap and succeed beyond my wildest imaginings, what would I do?"  Most of us might chuckle and think we'd like to have that problem, but when we look in the mirror we know that huge success can intimidate those around us, change relationships, and depending on how different our new world might be, make close friends and family uncomfortable to be around us.

One that I've struggled with often is the fear of success followed by failure.  I did experience incredible success for many years before things crashed.  Failure after success is way worse than being in the same spot before the success.  I didn't really know how it could be until I'd been there. Relatively speaking, being in the same spot is not the same. (I think this may be why some fear success: they'd just rather never know what is on the other side.) Fortunately, I think I've mastered the spiritual lesson of resilience: I keep coming back in different manifestations.

Over the last 12 hours or so of thinking about what holds me back, I find myself repeatedly coming back to places I've been many times.  Spiritual places.  I really want to get this right.  Some spiritual lessons I've repeated over and over again; I don't want to walk away from one without getting it right this time. 

For instance, I'd like to be able to add "check" to the spiritual lesson that is being treated abusively by women who have power over me.  Since my mother first initiated me into that lesson when I was about three, I have had several women (current boss included,) who have had power over me, that were psychologically abusive. The form has been varied from compromising my integrity--I walked away from that one--to threatening me financially. (Not so much on that one.)

Usually I have walked away from those women. What I know about spiritual lessons is that walking away must not be the answer or else the lesson wouldn't keep popping up.  Over the last four years, I've attempted several things.  None have produced satisfactory results, so that also tells me I haven't found the right answer or approach yet.  My experience is that when we learn the spiritual lesson, it melts away almost instantly. So, yes, I am held back from walking away because I really want to dispense with this lesson. Enough already!

There is also what I will call economic reality.  I admit that I was much more spiritually confident when I had a generous investment portfolio than since the dot.com bust wiped it out over a decade ago.  Walking away from my current situation could have severe economic consequences when I have no cushion.  I freely admit this fear. I also wonder if delayed gratification--something I haven't been so good at--could be the lesson.  My experience is that when we get all the intentions aligned--service, lessons, talents--magic happens, so I am a bit skeptical about that as an excuse.

Everything I know intellectually tells me that, before I let go of what I have, I should have something to move toward.  Honestly, I don't have the burning desire to do something different that I've had in the past.  When I knew in my heart something I just had to do, it was easy to move forward.

I feel impatience from my heart--like it has been telegraphing something to me impatiently, and I'm just not getting it.  I almost said to someone yesterday, "Sometimes we just have to close one door before another will open."  I didn't.  It seemed like I needed the advice as much as she did.  But, while I intensely feel the impatience, I don't have any kind of compelling desire or vision for what's next. 

(I remind old readers and inform new ones that I've taken some pretty dramatic leaps before, but I always knew what I wanted out of the transition.  I left rainy Oregon to move to sunny North Carolina where I knew no one and had no economic prospects just because I'd wanted to live there since I was a child and in sunny climes for a decade. I also needed to be alone, so I could find myself, but that complicates the description. That cross-country move was an easy leap for me.)

When I was younger, I tended to get a "wild hair," which I actually think may be a thunderbolt from the back of my heart, and, to paraphrase the ads, I just did it.  Now I am more aware of the spiritual lessons. I may have just answered my question.  If I get a thunderbolt from my heart, doesn't that imply that I can't get it wrong?  I think it does.  I am waiting for the thunderbolt.  Judging from the impatience in my heart, I think it will be here soon.

Being in the Not-Knowing

Yesterday I wrote that "Not-Knowing as a Way of Life" had been being pushed into my face a lot recently.  Then, when I wrote about it, the floodgates burst open.  Mostly, nothing huge has been turned over, but little things that I thought might be true have been upended all day.  One larger idea has been set spinning, not enough to be totally upended, but certainly enough to cause me to examine it for depth and complexity.

So what is all of this about?  When I started this blog I said that I didn't intend to share answers but to examine questions with which I grappled on my spiritual journey.  That has never been truer than today. 

History tells me that when I write about something I am issuing to the Universe an invitation to send me lessons.  From the onset of writing Leading from the Heart, a book about courage, I was repeatedly tested for courage.  By the time it was published three and a half years later, my life had been taken apart, piece by piece, and put together again, once again piece by piece, very consciously and intentionally.  The putting together required me to look into the crevices and the foundations of my life and discover what was true...and then have the courage to act upon it. 

Leading from the Heart had not been released when I started working on The Alchemy of Fear, obviously a book about fear...and love...and once again, everything that I truly feared in life looked me in the eye and demanded that I choose the love/God option rather than fear.

At that point, I said I was going to stop writing. I'd spent five to six years learning about fear and courage.  Not a walk in the park. Well, of course, it is ridiculous to say I was going to stop writing.  I'd been writing since I could hold a pencil and have a permanent knot on the side of my middle finger to prove it.  I could no more stop writing than I could stop breathing.

So, I thought, I'll write about a subject that will be fun to learn about.  Choice Point is my as-yet-unpublished book on intention.  Now, one might think that intention would be a trip.  Not!  I was writing about the intentions of our soul to do what we came into the world to do.  Unless you are really dense, you've already figured this one out: I had to really listen...a lot...to what my soul wanted.  You will note that I said my "as-yet-unpublished book"--I am still in lesson on that one.

The Game Called Life was easy.  I love it.  It has been straight-forward and describes how I aspire to live.  Yet, even my beloved The Game Called Life has been playing games with me as I prepare it for electronic version.

Last night, I wrote about "not-knowing."  I really don't know (appropriate) how this one is going to turn out.  I do know that things I hoped to be certain 24 hours ago are much less so now.  I have no answers on this one.  I am sitting with the questions, which, in truth, seems appropriate for a topic like "not-knowing."  I am back in school, as if we aren't always.  :-)

The River of Peace

Back in the day before blogs, my regular writing gigs were columns in business publications.  I've never had difficulty writing, once I had a topic, but there have been times that I stared at the computer screen for a while, waiting for inspiration.  I remember encountering a friend who had just finished reading Leading from the Heart on one of those days. 

"Hey!" I said.  "What really stands out to you from the book?" 

Without a hesitation, he responded, "The River of Peace."  We chatted a bit about the topic, and when I headed back to the office and computer, I knew that would be the topic of that week's column. 

In the book, I described what Joseph Campbell called The River of Peace, which flows between the banks of Fear and Desire.  As he described it, we can float through life in peace as long as there is neither anything we fear nor anything we desire enough to leave our place of peace.

Then, as I've drawn on many a flip-chart, I added to The River of Peace, making it The River of Peace, Love, and Joy, those consummate spiritual qualities for which most of us yearn.  As I talk about the banks, I "X" through the word "Desire," because I say that most things that we desire enough to leave The River of Peace are actually driven by fear.  So, I say, The River of Peace, Love, and Joy actually lies between two banks of fear.

Today, I ponder The River of Peace.

After two weeks of furlough, we finally have glimmers of hope that the government may soon be open again.  As I compare my dwindling checking account to the monthly bills that have arrived, part of me is quite joyful.  The fear of not being able to pay my bills and what that might mean clearly underlies the desire to pay my bills.  Far greater are other fears. 

As I've written in this blog, I've reclaimed the woman I had been until recent employment.  I am the creative, the writer, the coach, and the speaker. I am smart and have a sense of humor. I am joyful. I take care of myself.  I love my life.  What I really fear is that the darkness that consumed me so totally that it took nine days of furlough to reclaim my being will eat me alive again.  Having almost birthed an e-book from a hard copy book and germinated at least two new books, I am terrified that my creative self will be subsumed by "Just follow orders!" or "No one asked what you thought."

AND, I want peace, love and joy even more.  I want to embrace my work with the passion and creativity that I brought to it for almost three decades.  I want to jump out of bed, looking forward to helping people work together better. I want to love my colleagues and laugh with them throughout the day. I know that is what awaits me in The River of Peace, Love, and Joy. My spiritual work: stay in the river.  Staying in the river implies staying present...in the present.  That's it!  That's all there is.  :-)  That's all...

Forgiveness

Meditation truly is a gift I give myself.  This morning I took my 20 minutes and extended it by 30.  I was wrestling with understanding what is Truth.  As I went deeper and deeper, the contradictions became more intense and then they melted away.

I have written previously about the several spiritual statements or affirmations that I recently adopted.  This morning as I meditated I found myself lingering on one: "Forgiveness is how I return to God/Love."  I thought I'd forgiven those in my life for what they'd done to me. Then the questions came. Have I really forgiven if I still carry resentment? Have I really forgiven if I still guard myself or am wary?  Of course not.

Then I attempted to forgive; I wanted to get to the place where I could feel nothing but unconditional love. As I went deeper, I found that in each of the two relationships I lingered with I had accountability. Hmmpf.  :-) Did I not know this part? 

For several years I provided spiritual coaching in three-day, one-on-one intentional living intensives.  Each was unique to the person with whom I was working, and my guides would give me unique coaching questions and exercises for that person.  Most were used only once.  However, for most a similar exercise on forgiveness was given to me.  It always involved three levels of forgiveness: acts which the client needed to forgive others for, acts for which the client needed to ask for forgiveness, and acts for which the client needed to forgive him- or herself.  Finally, we'd explore the gifts that had resulted from hurtful circumstances.

As I meditated on forgiveness this morning, these three levels kept intertwining. Back and forth, I went from offering forgiveness to asking for forgiveness to forgiving myself and back again. Then I drifted deeper.  I'd written two books on fear and courage: were fear and courage not really about forgiveness?  If there were always gifts, why would I not have courage?  Why would I be afraid?

Almost when I felt like I'd gotten to the bottom of understanding the relationship between fear and courage and forgiveness, I found myself going broader.  I've always thought that my purpose was to help people find the place of pure Love that dwells inside themselves and connect to the place of pure Love that dwells in each of their fellow human beings.  When I had been meditating on my new affirmations a few weeks ago, what had come was that my purpose was the forgiveness of all human kind.  I thought I'd just go with it since that is what came, but thought my real purpose was connect us to and through Love. 

Only this morning in this meditation did I realize that they were the same.  Only this morning did I realize that the reason the forgiveness exercise was always given to me for clients while other exercises were unique was that my purpose was forgiveness.  These clients wouldn't have been brought to me if they didn't need to learn forgiveness. The Aha! moment for me was that forgiveness is my gateway to Love; it is the gateway through which I lead others to find pure Love. Without forgiveness, we will never find that place in ourselves where we are Love, and we certainly will never find that place in others where they are pure Love.

This knowing didn't come printed on bulletin boards: it came from listening to what I know in my heart. This wisdom came because I showed up to listen and floated through lots of clutter to the crystal clarity of what I know.