What Holds Me Back?

Yesterday I wrote about my understanding of "intention" as an inner compass imprinted on the back of our hearts. It keeps us on track for what we are supposed to do in this life.  Kind of like a "purpose" but bigger than a "job," our heart's intention includes things like gifts and talents we have to develop and spiritual lessons that we are to learn in this life.

Almost since I clicked "publish" last night I've been struggling personally with what holds me back.  I don't think the answer is one thing but several (perhaps many?) things. All of those things might boil down to "fear."  Most religions have some concept about what separates us from God is fear, so , given the closeness to God that our intentions are, should we be surprised that it is fear that often keeps us from realizing them?

There is the fear of leaping--doing something big that we've never done before, and we don't really know how to do. Fear of failure is a big one: "What if I leap and fail?" haunts many of us.  I believe even bigger is the fear of success.  "What if I leap and succeed beyond my wildest imaginings, what would I do?"  Most of us might chuckle and think we'd like to have that problem, but when we look in the mirror we know that huge success can intimidate those around us, change relationships, and depending on how different our new world might be, make close friends and family uncomfortable to be around us.

One that I've struggled with often is the fear of success followed by failure.  I did experience incredible success for many years before things crashed.  Failure after success is way worse than being in the same spot before the success.  I didn't really know how it could be until I'd been there. Relatively speaking, being in the same spot is not the same. (I think this may be why some fear success: they'd just rather never know what is on the other side.) Fortunately, I think I've mastered the spiritual lesson of resilience: I keep coming back in different manifestations.

Over the last 12 hours or so of thinking about what holds me back, I find myself repeatedly coming back to places I've been many times.  Spiritual places.  I really want to get this right.  Some spiritual lessons I've repeated over and over again; I don't want to walk away from one without getting it right this time. 

For instance, I'd like to be able to add "check" to the spiritual lesson that is being treated abusively by women who have power over me.  Since my mother first initiated me into that lesson when I was about three, I have had several women (current boss included,) who have had power over me, that were psychologically abusive. The form has been varied from compromising my integrity--I walked away from that one--to threatening me financially. (Not so much on that one.)

Usually I have walked away from those women. What I know about spiritual lessons is that walking away must not be the answer or else the lesson wouldn't keep popping up.  Over the last four years, I've attempted several things.  None have produced satisfactory results, so that also tells me I haven't found the right answer or approach yet.  My experience is that when we learn the spiritual lesson, it melts away almost instantly. So, yes, I am held back from walking away because I really want to dispense with this lesson. Enough already!

There is also what I will call economic reality.  I admit that I was much more spiritually confident when I had a generous investment portfolio than since the dot.com bust wiped it out over a decade ago.  Walking away from my current situation could have severe economic consequences when I have no cushion.  I freely admit this fear. I also wonder if delayed gratification--something I haven't been so good at--could be the lesson.  My experience is that when we get all the intentions aligned--service, lessons, talents--magic happens, so I am a bit skeptical about that as an excuse.

Everything I know intellectually tells me that, before I let go of what I have, I should have something to move toward.  Honestly, I don't have the burning desire to do something different that I've had in the past.  When I knew in my heart something I just had to do, it was easy to move forward.

I feel impatience from my heart--like it has been telegraphing something to me impatiently, and I'm just not getting it.  I almost said to someone yesterday, "Sometimes we just have to close one door before another will open."  I didn't.  It seemed like I needed the advice as much as she did.  But, while I intensely feel the impatience, I don't have any kind of compelling desire or vision for what's next. 

(I remind old readers and inform new ones that I've taken some pretty dramatic leaps before, but I always knew what I wanted out of the transition.  I left rainy Oregon to move to sunny North Carolina where I knew no one and had no economic prospects just because I'd wanted to live there since I was a child and in sunny climes for a decade. I also needed to be alone, so I could find myself, but that complicates the description. That cross-country move was an easy leap for me.)

When I was younger, I tended to get a "wild hair," which I actually think may be a thunderbolt from the back of my heart, and, to paraphrase the ads, I just did it.  Now I am more aware of the spiritual lessons. I may have just answered my question.  If I get a thunderbolt from my heart, doesn't that imply that I can't get it wrong?  I think it does.  I am waiting for the thunderbolt.  Judging from the impatience in my heart, I think it will be here soon.