Do I Exist?

Somewhere I heard the reason that we have primary relationships is to prove that we exist.  I am not sure I would go so far as to say that is why we have those relationships, but, at least in my marriage, that was an important function.  He encouraged, celebrated, commiserated, and a lot of other things with me, all of which had the function of "proving my existence."

As a woman of a certain age who has been single for nearly 20 years, I have had moments, especially when I was both living and working alone, when I wondered if it were true.  Did I exist or was I just a figment of my imagination?  Of course, physicists would tell us from a physical perspective nothing really exists, but those in the spiritual world would say the only parts that matter are our souls and spirits.  Clearly, they exist, and yet, we can't prove it.

I've mentioned the set of eight affirmations that I am working on.  I repeat them on my way to work, like saying the rosary.  Over and over again, I repeat them. My first two are:

•  I am Love.
• The Truth is: we are all Love.

This morning as I was changing trains at rush hour and after having repeated the set several times, a question just popped into my mind in the middle of all those people:  is this what it means to not exist...in a good way? 

I was having a conversation earlier this week with a colleague who has a new painting in her office.  The painting is of an aspen grove.  I've been fascinated with aspen groves ever since learning that, although they may look like a lot of individual trees, in fact that are a single tree.  As the common root system spreads out, it sends up shoots that look like independent trees, but they are in fact a unified whole. 

I am beginning to "get" that this is how it is with Love.  Love is to humankind as the common root structure is to the grove of aspen.  Love gives us life.  Love provides us with sustenance.  Love connects all of us. Love makes us One. And, when we are connected to the Ultimate Love Source, we are safe and peaceful.  All we need to remember is that we are safe, and then we will have peace.

That is why I think I don't exist...and it is a good thing.  And, maybe that is what a primary relationship is about and how it proves that we exist: it gives us a reflection into our whole that we couldn't see otherwise.  When it works right, it is a daily reminder and reflection that we are Love...we are all Love.

"If a Tree Falls,..."

There is an oft-quoted question, "If a tree falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" (George Berkeley)  There are those who would say that if there is no one to witness the fall, the tree falling down doesn't make a sound.  Others would argue that, of course, a tree falling makes a sound; whether someone hears it is moot.  We will never know for sure.  The heart of the matter is whether something exists without a witness.

For me, on this day, this is a poignant question.  For over a month, I've been keeping my commitment to write a daily post to this blog, exploring the spiritual questions and bits of wisdom I encounter on my path.  It has been rich for me.  It is a spiritual practice. 

Today it has been 10 days since anyone has read my blog.  Without witnesses, like the tree falling in the forest, I wonder if my Voice has been muted.  Is my exercise a vain one? There are really two answers to this question.  Both start with "no."

Answer One: No; it is not a vain exercise.  Spiritual teacher Carolyn Myss has talked about having a "prayer chakra," something like a prayer bank account.  If we faithfully make deposits every day, someday when we really need it and call on God for help, we will have a well-tuned connection.  I am faithfully showing up, and will continue to faithfully show up, to make deposits. Think of writing this blog as not only developing my writing muscle, but making deposits to my spiritual bank account.

Answer Two: No; it is not a vain exercise.  My soul has been greatly enriched.  Each day I learn, or more often remember, things I didn't know or had forgotten.  I am becoming truer to myself.  I have been awakened from my autopilot existence.  If no one ever reads it, writing the blog is doing the three things that Helen in The Game Called Life said that life was really about.  It is helping me to develop my gifts, in this case for writing.  It is helping me to grow spiritually and learn spiritual lessons. It is available to be of service to the evolution of the Universe when the time is right.  Writing this blog is why I am here...in this life.  That is real.

I have no idea about that tree falling in the forest, but I do know that whatever we do to help ourselves be more whole is enough.  The very act of writing and becoming more whole is having an impact on the world.  So, I will keep writing....