Having Heart

Last night I watched "The Gaby Douglas Story," a movie about the gymnast who won both individual and team gold in the London Olympics.  She is the only woman to hold that distinction. She trained with famed gymnastics coach Liang Chow for almost two years before he told her he was going to share "the secret to being an Olympic champion." 

Before he told her, she indignantly asked, "Why didn't you tell me two years ago?"

"You were not ready to hear it," he said.  "The secret isn't in muscle or speed.  The secret to being an Olympic champion is heart."  Then, he asked,  "Do you have the heart of a champion?" (I wasn't taking notes while watching the movie; these quotes are paraphrased, but fairly close.)

This was the last day in my long  weekend of writing.  This afternoon I sat and read 20 pages.  "Not bad," I thought.  It actually sunk in for perhaps the first time that I've had a pretty interesting life and that other people may enjoy reading my memoir.

Yet, as I thought about it, I wondered what Chow would tell me about being an author of successful books.  Each of my first two books won minor recognition.  Leading from the Heart was an alternate selection of Book-of-the-Month Club, and The Alchemy of Fear was chosen by The Executive Club as its monthly selection.  (It also won a similar award in France, but since my French is non-existent, I don't remember the exact name.) Each was out in multiple languages. Each has a following which says the books have changed their lives. 

My royalties were small, and foreign language rights were negligible.  I never came close to making back what I lost in consulting fees when I was working on them.  And, they were my financially successful books.  Would Chow tell me that I didn't have the heart of a successful author? If so, where do I find that heart because I want it in this book?  As I wrote today, I wept.  In fact, I've had to retrieve a box of tissues more than once on this writing project. Does that mean that this book will have more heart?

Just months before Douglas would distinguish herself with the double-gold accomplishment in London, she was ready to give up. Chow's words reminded her that she had the heart of a champion, and remembering that drove her through those last difficult months.  In running, it is called "hitting the wall," when a marathon runner runs out of steam with only one or two miles of the 26 remaining. Pure will and heart are what keeps her on the course. 

In the voice-over at the beginning of the movie, Douglas says that she tried giving up but she found that was harder than winning.  In the last few years when I've pretty much walked away from writing, I've been miserable. I know what Douglas means when she says that giving up is harder than winning. Fighting one's very nature must be harder than following it. 

When I started this blog, I had two purposes: 1) to provide an outlet for my writing that might serve others and 2) to share the spiritual journey with other pilgrims.  I said, "I don't claim to have the answers, but often the questions are informative...."  Some days I feel like I have more of the answers than others.  Today is not one of them.  Today I am squeezed between knowing that I must write and not-knowing how to have the "heart of a champion" writer. Today I am sharing the questions. Not only "How can I not do what I must?" but also "How can I do it well enough to really make a difference?"

As a youngster Gaby Douglas precociously proclaimed that she wanted to go to the Olympics: she went, and she won.  I want my words to make the world a better place...and I hope they will.  I may not know the answers, but I do know that intention is a powerful thing.