Yesterday I committed to a new spiritual path, one on which I would explore the more pleasant side of the journey. Already I am finding that isn't so easy.
Earlier this week I watched an episode of "The Late Show" from the first week of January. Oprah Winfrey was Stephen Colbert's guest. They were talking about resolutions, and Oprah said she'd stopped making them because they always got complicated. She would resolve for something that was something she wanted, and then as the year progressed she discovered the more difficult sides of that wish.
Every topic I've ever taken on as a major writing project has similarly gotten complicated. A book about courage resulted in my facing every major fear in my life. A book about living consciously sucked me into a chaotic period when I lost whole years without really choosing me.
Night before last I enumerated a long list of desirable spiritual lessons. Then in my meditation I discovered that if I only accomplished being present and being conscious of my choices--and those demanded that I do them together, I would accomplish the others.
Immediately, as if I'd been writing with ink it wouldn't have dried yet, I found myself facing a relatively easy test. The Skype pop-up message that tells me when a friend is online popped up as I was writing. At about midnight an old friend, who shares my strong tendency for "nightowlness" (my word) signed on, and I got the message. I really wanted to talk to the friend with whom I hadn't spoken for about a year, and I really wanted to write.
I had just committed to being in the present and making conscious decisions. Normally, I would have kept writing, and I was conscious of that habit. That would not have been a conscious choice: it would have been a habitual one. I also knew that in the past I'd let myself be distracted from writing by fun diversions, and I made a commitment at the beginning of the year that I was going to write every day.
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and knew that I should reach out. I did. My friend and I had a great conversation. We laughed a lot. I felt lighter and more energized. And, what self-respecting nightowl is going to let herself be held back from writing because of a relatively early midnight conversation? I wrote afterward, easily. I had made the right decision.
Today I must admit that I was neither conscious of my decisions or in the present much of the day. I had several things that I "needed" to do, and I set about doing them until I discovered in the late afternoon that I had really missed the day. I prepared dinner and ate consciously, choosing foods that I liked and that were healthy.
Then about mid-evening I checked my email, and there was an invitation to do something after church tomorrow. It is something that is definitely way outside my comfort zone, and I had already made plans to do something I've been wanting to do for weeks at the same time. The invitation was to do something relating to one of my "things to explore." I really don't know which I will do, but I know two things for sure. First, I am glad that I am being conscious of the decision. Second, I probably won't know which I will choose until I "check in" and am present to what my heart wants after church tomorrow.
This is what Oprah was talking about, and it is what I experienced with my books. When we nod to the Universe that we are holding the intention to learn a particular lesson, we will very quickly be given the lessons. I have had hints of a couple other opportunities to learn this lesson on the horizon.i am being present to what is in front of me now. When I said that I was ready to learn the more pleasant spiritual lessons, I should have been clear that I don't expect them to be easy. Just different. For now, I am holding on for whatever my "only lesson" has in store.
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