Micro-moments of Love

One of the greatest discoveries in my Psychology of Happiness class was a YouTube video, featuring Barbara Fredrickson, a dual professor in psychology and business at the University of North Carolina. Entitled "Love--A New Lens on Thriving,"* Fredrickson describes what happens to us physiologically when we love someone. She isn't necessarily talking about romantic love or "chemistry," but more universal love.

Not only does love make us feel better, i.e., have more positive emotions, but the health benefits are significant, ranging from the production of Mother Nature's feel-good chemical oxytocin, nicknamed the hormone of love, to deeper sleep, and reduced depression.  Furthermore, it increases trust and resilience.

Among other research findings, Fredrickson reports that in as little as 10 minutes of loving kindness meditation a day over a three-month period we can change the vagal tone of the heart, something previously believed to be unchangeable.  What occurs is that our heart slows on the exhale, actually producing a positive moment of warmth and love.

I wondered, exactly what is loving kindness meditation?  I did a little research, and, while there are countless descriptions, quite simply put, it is thinking positive thoughts of love about the world around us and imagining those positive feelings flowing in and out of our hearts with the breath.  (If there are authorities on loving kindness meditation out there cringing, please jump in on the conversation, but this is a three-line description, not a dissertation.)  In 10 minutes of this practice a day, we can literally change our physiology in a positive way.

In the three weeks since I first watched the video, I've been practicing for 10 minutes a day, and I've discovered an amazing thing.  Just by starting my day with the loving kindness meditation, I am able to "plug into" that wonderful positive, relaxed feeling at just the expression of intention during the day.  Very cool stuff...when I am awake enough to realize I need to pull in the heavy duty love chemicals.

The second item of interest in the video that I will talk about has to do with creating connection.  Eye contact and smiles have an amazing ability to evoke mimicry, whereby we unconsciously begin mirroring the other person which creates even more connection.  (The technical term if bio-behavioral synchrony.) A virtuous cycle of connection leading to more connection to even more connection is perpetuated.  We build escalating love and trust. As long as we feel safe we can generate "micro-moments of love" just by making connection--eye contact, smiles, touch, or voice.

I've been pondering The Grocery Store Game, which I've written about a number of times.  (See the blog-post for December 1, 2013, "Could We Change The World in 30 Days?") The secret to the game was to make eye contact and really feel gratitude as the player says, "Thank you."  I've played it many times, as have a number of my coaching clients.  There can be a real and sincere connection made in a split second at a grocery store check stand.  While Fredrickson spoke of connections with those we know, as I read about Fredrickson's micro-moments of love, I couldn't help but wonder, is that what is happening in The Grocery Store Game?

While the intention of The Grocery Store Game is to give a simple gift of gratitude to a stranger, it would seem that as we play it, the giver of gratitude is actually starting in motion many positive physical benefits for him/herself as well.

As I think about both my ability to "drop into" the feeling of loving kindness and generating micro-moments of love through connection, my belief in the ability of humankind to generate a "river of love" that connects all of us is renewed.  That we might be healthier because we have is an added benefit.








*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxoPLtRnxZs

The Cycle of Life

My Saturdays in the summer have almost always started with a trip to whatever Farmers Market is near for almost 30 years. I love it even when my refrigerator hasn't even been emptied from last week's visit, as was the case today.

Just walking among the stalls, seeing the splashes of color like still life paintings, and absorbing the variety of smells that waft from the fresh fruits, vegetables, and especially the herbs is worth the trip.

Today I could hardly restrain myself until I got home, rinsed the huge fresh blackberries and peeled the peaches that dripped with sweet juices to savor a combination that is among my favorites. Yum!

The cycle of nature is like the cycle of our spiritual lives. In a few weeks the very fruits that are at their prime today will fall to the ground, rotting away from their seeds to plant the beginnings of next summer's larder.

In mystical traditions, it is the same with our lives and our spiritual growth. In the fall, more precisely around the time during which the Jewish Calendar begins a new year, we plant spiritual seeds for what we want to learn and how we want to grow. During the winter we have the opportunity to nurture those intentions, and if we have been faithful to them, about this time we should begin harvesting the fruits of our labors.

As I ate my delicious, peak-of-the-season fruit today, I wondered what I will be harvesting this fall. After a brutal work year, I recently received a promotion for which I am grateful, but I am more concerned about reaping the spiritual fruits of my labors.

Last fall I recommitted to my writing, and I started writing this blog fairly regularly. I hope that I've planted some spiritual seeds as I've encouraged us to come together through a ribbon of love, play the Grocery Store Game, and most recently encouraged making miracles. I've written several chapters of my memoir, and very slowly made progress at getting The Game Called Life available as an ebook. I still have two months to make progress on those projects.

I've kept with my commitment to get to know my neighbors, and after three eye surgeries, I have much improved eyesight.

As I reflect on this cycle of life, I know there are things that could benefit from more attention, like more exercise and dance, and being more open to love. At this 10/12 of the way through my spiritual year, I still have time to reflect on my intentions and redirect where I've slacked on my intentions. That assessment will be the focus of my Sabbath practice tomorrow, as I attempt to be all that God would have me be in this life...one year at a time.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhonetge

Only Five Shopping Days Left

"Only Five Shopping Days Left" at this time of year is usually associated with shopping days before Christmas to buy gifts. Not so this reminder. These five shopping days are the last five days of the Grocery Store Game (12/1/13.)

Most people, including those who do not religiously observe Christmas, would agree that the holiday season is a time of connection--with friends and family, The Grocery Store Game is an effort and discipline to connect with those we don't know and usually look through or by, like the grocery store clerk (thus the game's name.) I challenged my readers (and myself) to create connection with three people each day in the month of December. We are now down to the last five days.

I've had surprising connections with people in my work building, neighbors, and even a quite remarkable homeless man. I even hosted someone for Christmas dinner that I didn't know well. (My philosophy is the more the merrier.) And I still have five days remaining!

What opportunities remain: perhaps even a connection with the person you were fighting with over that black cashmere sweater at the after-Christmas sale.

If you haven't made a "stretch connection"--to actually have a conversation with someone from a very different walk of life, there are still five days left.

Some believe that at Christmastime there is a special window that opens to the Universe, that we humans can create particularly powerful connections. Just because the big day is over doesn't mean that opportunity is gone: there are still five shopping days left.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Expecting the Unexpected

By now, I should just trust that when I am being guided, something extraordinary is going to happen. For some crazy reason, I continue to be surprised, sometimes even awe-struck. So it was this afternoon, when I met Alexander.

But first I should share a little back story. My day started with a special docent tour at the National Gallery of nativity art by the Old Masters. I enjoy art but really don't know much about it, so I am like a sponge when I am around someone so knowledgeable. When we finished around noon, though, I was snapped back to my busy to-do list. I had only this afternoon to do most of my holiday shopping, and I really wanted something fresh to wear to a dance this evening. While I could have gone off racing, I didn't. Instead of slipping into high gear, I meandered with ease. I noticed the clever art on the windows of the Starbucks, and I even chuckled outloud at the "To..." label someone had stuck on the outside of a window painted with a gift box and ribbons on the inside.

Then, I started walking by a number of homeless people, who were panhandling. I gave small amounts to two before entering a store. When I came out, I automatically turned right toward the Metro which was just a short distance when I got a clear message: "Walk!" OK: my next destination was just one Metro stop. Then, I was guided very specifically on my route, walking by several more panhandlers.

Then, Alexander asked for money for coffee. (At this point, of course, I didn't know he was Alexander.) I immediately knew that I was to say "yes" to this tall, thin African-American young man with dreadlocks and goatee. Almost as quickly, I knew I was to take him for coffee, not give him money. For the 150 feet to the McDonald's, my conversation was guided. The short version is that I bought Alexander coffee...and lunch, and I stayed to talk with him.

To say this was a most unexpected conversation would be an understatement. Alexander had been in DC for two years, since the death of his mother, to do research at the Library of Congress. He pulled out a stack of papers (2" high) to show me the genealogical research he'd been working on. We talked for at least an hour, a conversation that touched on algebra, genetics/chromosomes, farming, law, etiquette, posture (I straightened mine,) and theology. We also talked about doing good in the world, gratitude, following what Alexander called his "zeal," and helping others be better. His vocabulary was impressive even as he talked about wanting to get his GED.

I say "we" because while I was engaged in the conversation, mostly Alexander was talking like someone starved for someone to listen. Twice he stopped and asked if I didn't have somewhere else I needed to be, and twice I quite honestly said I was enjoying the conversation and learning from him. I learned stuff, but mostly I learned about my judgment. I also learned how grateful I was that I had taken time to listen to the voice that had brought Alexander into my life today. I had totally forgotten my to-do list.

As we parted, I looked Alexander in the eye and sincerely thanked him for allowing me to sit with him during lunch. I asked him to do one thing for me. "Please," I said, "will you do something kind for another person before you sleep?"

He smiled from ear to ear as he said, "I will!" The truth is that he already had. The Grocery Store Game keeps delivering the unexpected.

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Smile!

On my way out of the building after work this evening, I caught a glimpse of someone from the corner of my eye, and I literally turned in place to go back and speak to him.  This man has the best smile in the building.  I know his job is demanding, but I have never once seen him when he wasn't
smiling and pleasant.  He is one of those people who can brighten my day, and those of everyone he sees, without saying a word. 

Since I hadn't talked with him in a while, I decided that I would make a conscious connection.  As I turned to walk into the galley where he stood by a vending machine, I started to say, "Your smile brightens my day!" just about the time he was saying something similar to me.  We laughed and talked briefly about how a good smile could just brighten the day.

Then he said the name of a work colleague, a man with developmental delays, who has a great smile.  He does, and I think the man knows almost all of our 1,000 people.  He always has a pleasant smile and a funny word.  What he may lack in other abilities, he more than gives back with his smile and humor.

The day had evolved differently than I had expected.  A very long meeting that I had expected to be unpleasant played out with humor, and in a group that had been working together for months, we actually got to know each other a bit.  Our work was still onerous, but much more enjoyable than other days during which humor had been absent.

While my day was enriched by people who smiled, laughed, and connected pleasantly, occasionally someone walks through my life who brings a negative shadow.  They always have an unpleasant word to say, and when I see them coming, I often try to avoid them. No matter how I try to be pleasant, they resist. While the smilers make my day, those who are dour can kill it.  The way I see it, we always have a choice.  If we have the intention of making the world better, then we bring the smile and the laughter.  Why not? It is way more fun than leaving a wake of negativity around us.

This round of the Grocery Store Game (12/1/13) continues to surprise me as I make connections in ways that surprise me.  Today's connections were with people with whom I've been interacting, but today was characterized by humor and interest that usually isn't part of the interaction.   What seems to be a consistent part of The Grocery Store Game is that when I reach out to connect with others to honor them, each person brightens my day.  Give a little with the expectation of giving and surprise! I get a lot back.

Being neighborly

Just before 1 a.m. this morning a very loud siren and voice went off in my apartment, informing me that there had been a fire emergency in the building and that I was to evacuate immediately.  It repeated over and over again. I struggled to pull myself out of a deep sleep.  Not likely that this was a fire drill at 1 a.m., so I'd better treat this seriously...as soon as I could wake up.

We were in the middle of a winter storm, so if I was going to be outside for a while, I should dress for it.  Problem is that we haven't really had winter weather, and I moved last winter. I had to hunt for gloves and boots.  I never found a hat, which I haven't worn since I moved. Purse and checkbook.  As I was about to leave the apartment, I remembered the fire preparation information I received recently had informed me that I should close interior doors before leaving.  (I forgot the part about leaving my apartment unlocked.)

After traipsing down several flights of stairs and a hall to the lobby, my neighbors and I were told we could stay inside.  The source of the alarm couldn't be found.  Shortly afterward, the fire truck and firemen arrived.  We could stay inside, but we couldn't go back to bed until the building had been cleared. 

There we stood and sat in the lobby.  Very old people, babies, and almost every combination in between: a microcosm of the city under one roof. A few of the older residents chatted, but most of us didn't really know each other.  While I would like to meet my neighbors, doing so in the middle of the night, when I am half asleep and in my pajamas wasn't exactly when I wanted to reach and touch someone. For almost an hour, we waited, and I pondered that I've lived here just over a year and could only spot four people that I vaguely knew.

I don't know if it has been the places I've lived over the last 20 years, or if times have been changing, but each place I've lived, I've usually known only one or two neighbors--very unlike when I'd been a child and young adult when we knew everyone in the neighborhood.  There was a time in my twenties when all the couples in our neighborhood would gravitate to someone's front porch late Saturday afternoon for popcorn, chips, and libations. 

In the lovely home and neighborhood in which I lived in North Carolina, I recalled reflecting that many of my neighbors had automatic garage door openers and managed to escape any contact with the rest of us by opening and closing the door without even getting out of the car.

So, today, I decided to be neighborly.  I'd baked a cake yesterday.  I cut portions and put on paper plates, covered with Saran Wrap, and rang door bells.  Today I played The Grocery Store Game (12/1/13) with my neighbors.  I had met them, but mostly just speaking in the hall or at the door.  Today, I went in for brief visits and actually started to get to know them. There is something about crossing into someone's home that is intimate: there is a sense that you know something about them from the artwork and furniture that they've chosen.  As I head to bed this evening, I feel the warmth of my neighbors in my heart as I go to bed.

Joy!

"Joy to the world
All the boys and girls now
Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me."

That earworm of the song, which was popularized in 1970 by the Three Dog Night, has been playing in my head since I sat quietly and asked for guidance on writing this blog post.  Hmmm!  What am I to say?  The song just keeps playing.

I wonder if it relates at all to an article that I read earlier this evening about the level of trust in the United States being at an all-time low.  A major survey, which has been repeated for 40 years, reported that just about a third of people in the country think that they can trust most people.  The article related the diminishing level of trust to less involvement in community organizations and activities, increased isolated television viewing, decline of traditional values, and the 24/7 news cycle.  Not much joy in any of that. 

The last couple of times I've played the Grocery Store Game (12/1/13) I've found that it is harder to connect than it used to be.  Our electronics have significantly changed our lives.  Until 3-4 years ago, I often had a conversation on the train with a random person.  While I have no way of actually knowing whether I can trust the person more after a conversation, somehow that familiarity makes me think I can trust that person. 

However, most days now most people are hunkered over their smartphones, iPads, or laptops with ear buds in place--safely "protected" from either visual or auditory contact.I literally cannot remember when I've said anything to anyone on the train other than, "Excuse me: this is my stop.)    Even walking down the street, people are looking at their devices and shutting out sound. Lest you think I am anti-technology, I fully confess that I have been guilty of the above activity. While our devices give us the illusion of being connected, they actually have the opposite effect. We have become a siloed world instead of a connected one, when connection is what it takes to build trust, and it certainly encourages joy.

As the song suggests, joy comes from connecting with people and nature around us.  For those who have taken the Grocery Store Game challenge, this is the important work we are taking on: bringing the intention of connection to our encounters, building trust and creating joy.  This is good work we are doing. Ah! Joy to the world!

Life's Little Surprises

A reader forwarded my challenge to change the world in 30 days (12/1/13) to a friend.  The friend responded that her husband "wins at this game daily--and he didn't even know he was playing."  What a gift this man has!  And, dare I say, I suspect the wife is richly blessed by this relationship as well. 

I have several spiritual practices that I've repeated periodically for most of 20 years: twice a year meditation retreat, gratitude journaling, gratitude meditation (9/24/13, 11/26/13,) rotating affirmations, and The Grocery Store Game (10/25/13).  Sometimes they will go along predictably for many cycles, and just when I think I know what to expect, the Universe throws me a curve ball and gives me a new lesson to learn.  I thank I can confidently say the curve balls have always been pleasant, just not what I expected.

My Thanksgiving gratitude meditation, which I've done for many years, for instance, took a new twist this year.  I've usually counted on my memory to recall each day and its gifts.  This year, I decided to enlist technology in my preparation.  Before I began my meditation, I went through my Outlook and iPhone calendars for the year, and I made note of things all year.  I can't say that I wouldn't have thought of all of them when I sat, but refreshing my memory was lovely.  A number of times I found myself smiling and remembering a conversation warmly.  Two friends--one across the country and the other in Canada--became standing conversation appointments.  How they enriched my life last year.  Having a reminder for lots of little things, like a new haircut/style and renting a car for a gardening adventure in March, was rich...a most pleasant surprise.

This afternoon, I had an Aha! moment about this round of The Grocery Store Game.  In the past my connections have been with people I didn't know and usually non-verbal.  I have had some of those, but to my delight today, I recognized that the game was surprising me this round.  Most of my days  at work are spent on a dead run.  I think most people would say that I am friendly: I always smile and cheerfully greet people.  Rarely, however, do I stop and talk to people as I move around the building.  I did that several times today.  At about 3:30 as I finished one such delightful conversation with someone I really don't know well, it occurred to me what was happening.  I was getting to know people who in the past had only been superficial acquaintances. What a sweet surprise!

I love surprises, and I find it such a gift to let life deliver surprises to me when I least expect them.  Even more a gift is being present enough to notice!

The Sleeping State That Men Call Waking

I want to start this post with an apology.  On behalf of all the spiritual writers, myself included among them, who make it sound like evolving oneself is easy, I want to say "I'm sorry."  It isn't.  For those of us who work full-time, have household and family responsibilities, and hope just every now and then to do something that is fun, staying present can be exceedingly hard.  Without being awake, we cannot do any of the things that will evolve us spiritually, which may explain why so many writers across the centuries have indicated that being conscious is the most important thing to the spiritual journey.

When I had my business, I worked way more hours than I do now, but I was driving the car called my life.  If I wanted to take a little extra time to connect with a clerk in the store, I didn't have a boss waiting to say I was AWOL (absent without leave) because I was a few minutes late. If I wanted to take extra time to workout and de-stress during my lunch hour or even linger longer enjoying the sun, I knew my trade-off was working later, and I could make that trade. It was wrong of me to have written with a "just-do-it" tone.  I had just forgotten how hard it is to be present when life is framed by the expectations of others.

During the week, it feels like I step on a treadmill that goes faster and faster until I drop off exhausted at the end of the week...and I don't even have kids to pick up and drop off at school and a host of growth activities.  (My hat's off to those of you who have those things in your daily routine.)

I didn't totally go to sleep today because I remembered after two opportunities that I'd missed that I didn't make the heart connection for The Grocery Store Game (10/25/13.)  I celebrate that I didn't just snooze through the whole opportunity.   Even when I threw a couple dollars in a busker's case, I did so as I walked by rather than making a connection. However, I stopped at an art exhibit on the way home from work, and I did remember to make connection there. Yeah!!

The Hindu sacred text the Upanishads refers to "the sleeping state that men call waking."  When I first read it, a stunned knowing came over me.  "Yes! That is exactly what it is like," I thought.  I am walking around, and most people observing me would say I am awake.  I even believe myself to be awake. Yet as I autopilot through life, I really am asleep at the wheel of this car called my life.  I snooze through opportunities to connect.  I doze through appreciating the wonder around me. I forget to feel  gratitude for all the gifts with which I am blessed.  I miss the opportunity to show true appreciation to the busker singing a great rendition of "Hotel California."

In my effort to truly show up for my life, one time I put random reminders on my Outlook calendar  to remind me to wake up, but I became so accustomed to them that I began to sleep through them as well.

So, I am sorry for making this journey to consciousness seem easy.  I find solace that at least back as far as 2,600 years when the Upanishads were written, men and women have struggled to stay awake.  For that 2,600 years, people like you and me have shared "the sleeping state that men call waking," and they have periodically actually been awake.  For that, we can celebrate. 

And, each day we begin anew on the journey to the waking state that men call waking.  I like to think that suddenly one day, it will just happen--being awake, that is.  I will go through a whole day, totally attuned to what is going on around me.  Until then, I will be delighted at widening the margins on my autopilot life.  Ten percent one day, and maybe 25 the next.  Though I may backslide, as I clearly have done, holding the intention of moving to higher levels of consciousness feels to me like real progress.

What goes around comes around

In my blog on gratitude (9/24/13), I described keeping a daily record of gifts I received and those I'd given.  No matter how hard I tried to keep up with what I received, I just couldn't.  A funny thing has happened over the last few days since I have been playing The Grocery Store Game (10/25/13) again.
What has been occurring parallels what happens with the gratitude lists.  The more I try to connect with others, heart to heart, the more people do and say kind things to me. 

I have been pondering this and what it means.  I really think that what we put out does come back to us, but I am pretty confident that it cannot be put out for the purpose of bringing things to us.  A giving heart is pure in motivation.  If something comes back to me, I am grateful, but I shouldn't give for the purpose of getting. 

So I believe it is with connecting, heart to heart, with people.  If something comes back to me, that is nice, but if I connect with the purpose of getting something in return, I have put up a wall between my heart and that of the person with whom I wish to connect.

There is an old expression: "what goes around comes around."  It suggests that how we live in the world is how we will experience the world around us.  We really plant the seeds for what we want in our own hearts, reflected in our actions.  When we give gifts or connection, that is what we attract to ourselves.  If it is done for selfish reasons--hoping to get something back, selfishness is what we will experience coming back.  If we do from pureness of heart, that too is what we will receive.

The Grocery Store Game

Back in the day when I was conducting Intentional Living Intensives with clients, I often encouraged them to play a game that I used to play.  It is a most enlightening (literally) game.  Last night after writing in this blog about connecting, heart to heart, with people one at a time, I was reminded of the game that I haven't played for years.  I decided to try it again. 

Here's how to play.  The purpose of the game it to make a heart connection with people that are often "invisible" in our lives.  They are grocery checkers, waiters, sales clerks, taxi drivers, baristas, the receptionist in a doctor's office, and anyone else with whom we transact business, often so closely that the only thing that separates us is the thickness of a dollar bill or credit card receipt, but most of the time we don't really see them.

In order to make a connection, it is essential that the "player" be focused only on the object of our heart connection.  Slowing down is essential. Eye contact helps. Most of them are not accustomed to being noticed, so it is important to just allow them time to be noticed.  The words that I exchange are said in a way that says I really mean them and not the typical, "Have a good day," said to lots of people without really thinking about them.  "You've been most helpful today.  I really appreciate it."  Often, at that point, they will break into a smile, but they will give you some indication that you've made a connection.  You've scored in The Grocery Store Game. 

I encouraged clients to make at least one connection each day to start with and to work up to the point where they made a connection at every transaction point.  When we "compared notes," what I often heard was they started out thinking they were going to do something for people in their transactions.  To a person, my clients ended up finding the connection was a gift to themselves.

Like my clients, I remember how good it used to feel to walk away from the check stand with my heart vibrating from that connection. I also remember how stress-reducing those encounters were.  They forced me to stop, still my mind and be present. How did I let that slip?  I'm not sure, but as I went to bed last night, I decided it was time to start playing again.

My day started with a smartphone which wouldn't work and me running late to a doctor's appointment, so I admit that I missed several opportunities in the doctor's office and the first two shopping stops before I was jarred from my autopilot life.  But as I set out to visit my service provider on the first of two visits, a little bell went off: this will be an opportunity to connect. 

When I was assigned to a technician, I recognized him from a couple earlier visits more than a year ago.  Before we talked about my problem, I took a moment to say I remembered how helpful he had been in the past and how grateful I was that I had the opportunity to have him support me again.  He looked delighted that I had not only remembered him, but had remembered that he had given me good service.

Sadly, the first visit didn't solve my problem, but when I went back, I used the opportunity to make another connection.  This was a much longer visit, and when I arrived at 6:30 p.m., I was tired, hungry, and frustrated. But to make the connection, I had to let go of all that. I just relaxed and partnered with this technician.  When I finally left at least an hour later, I looked her in the eyes and thanked her for being so helpful.  I said it had been a frustrating day, and she had made this very easy for me.  (My frustrating day!  Really!  This girl had been dealing with frustrated customers all day.)

She looked me right back in the eyes and started to tell me how much she'd enjoyed working with me. Then she went on to tell me how much I reminded her of her mother and how much she loved her mother.  The encounter ended with tears trying to well in her eyes.  When I left, I was still tired and hungry, but instead of the frustration I'd felt earlier, I just felt warm all over.  There was a spring in my step.  Life is good, and I like to think that both of us spread love out into the world around us.