Not-knowing as a Way of Life

Most of the time I sit quietly before writing this blog, and a topic gently floats into my awareness.  Then I write. Not so today.  Sometimes it feels to me like the Universe is beating me over the head with a topic that I need to revisit.  So it is with not-knowing as a way of life. I've been writing about it for at least two decades, and I am still a student of its wisdom.  Everywhere I've turned in the last couple of weeks, I have found myself talking about this topic. I can really tell it is serious when I start nervous eating when I think of it.  I am going to save myself a few thousand calories and explore it more.

There is a relationship between chaos, complexity, and spiritual growth.  I've observed it in individuals; I've observed it in groups.  The simplified, I'm-not-a-physicist explanation of chaos theory says that chaos is always implicit in order.  The easy way to explain this is that no matter how much we think we know how things are in our lives, every now and then, the Universe sends us a learning moment.  This happened to me when my husband came home from his run and told me he wanted a divorce.  He was showered, shaved, packed, and gone in 30 minutes!  Wow! I really didn't see that one coming.

I had a client once who came home to his "happy" home at the end of his normally long work day to find an empty house.  I am not saying no one was at home, although that was true.  I am saying it was empty.  Not a lick of furniture...or anything else. Four walls: that was it. He says he had no clue.  Someone else was awakened in the middle of the night with a call from the police, saying that his teenager had been arrested. One of the most fit 40-year-olds that I have known was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's Disease. You get the idea: we are coasting along in la-la land, and something is hurled at us with no warning.  That creates a moment...or many moments of chaos.  If we are honest with ourselves in the moments that follow, we really are clueless about what is real.

In that period of exploration--for purposes of chaos theory, let's call it complexity--we know that the world is certainly not what we thought it was, but we are in the figurative "wilderness," trying to figure out what is true.

I have observed two ways in which people explore the "wilderness."  The unconscious way takes many forms, but in short, this approach uses whatever will numb the reality that our life isn't as we thought.  Drugs, alcohol, sex, food, starvation, purging, the three-gallons of ice cream break-up...you get the idea.  Inevitably, if we take that journey, weeks, months, or years down the line, knowing nothing more about what is real, we will have another wake-up call, telling us that our world isn't as we thought it was.  Normally, a succession of wake-up calls will continue until the Universe has our full attention.

For those of you who have read my book The Game Called Life, this is the space where Lizzie found herself when she fell across her steering wheel, sobbing for help, "There has to be a better way."

 Let's call that the second way, what I call "not-knowing." In this approach, we can engage the wilderness. I would like to distinguish "not-knowing" from "I don't know."  "I don't know" is passive.  It is the shrug of the shoulders of not caring. 

"Not-knowing" by contrast is active.  Instead of coasting through the wake-up call, we engage in self-exploration, attempting to know self and the world around us in a new way.  "Not-knowing" embraces this transition as an opportunity to grow in wholeness.  This is where Lizzie found herself after Helen answered her call for help.

If we kick around in "not-knowing" long enough, an Aha! moment inevitably burst into consciousness.  Suddenly one day when we least expect it (walking down the street, and it hits you,) you will see the world in a whole new way. Almost always this new world offers rich possibilities we had not considered before. 

For those who dislike uncertainty, I hate to relate that life is a sequence of wake-up calls: they cannot be avoided.  "Not-knowing as a way of life" is an attitude toward life that assumes the chaos as a given.  If chaos is always implicit in order, why not just accept it, embrace it, and flow with it.  Life becomes a series of opportunities to learn and grow into ever expanding possibilities.

I am not a surfer, but this is how I imagine it must be life to go for ever bigger waves.  What might once have been intimidating can become a real rush...without drugs, alcohol, sex, or any of those numbing agents...a natural high that leads higher and higher.  Stepping into our potential by growing regularly, not just when the Universe grabs us by the scruff of the neck and says, "Hey, dude! Listen to me."

During a webinar that I took today, the facilitator teaching about improving communication and listening said, "Just assume you don't understand."  She may have been talking about "not-knowing as a way of life."  Just assume you don't understand, and embrace the adventure of learning and growth.  What else is there that is really important?