Pregnant?

I've just spent several minutes looking for a word.  I didn't find the right one.  I've felt funny today, and I am searching for a word to describe the feeling. 

Some ancient cultures celebrated depression.  They described that depression as a time when a person gathered courage to make a leap into a new phase of life.  I don't really feel depressed in the way that we usually use that word.  But, it does seem to me today like I am getting ready for a big change.   I should be pacing or something. So, I did what I do when I need to pace: I cooked for several hours.

What is the word?  I thought maybe it was "listless."  I looked it up to be sure. "Lacking energy, interest, or the willingness to make an effort."  Not that.  I've had plenty of energy.  I went for a long walk on a beautiful fall Saturday and enjoyed our first burst of fall color.  However, I do feel a lack of interest, and I've struggled to "make an effort," well, because I felt so strongly that change is coming that anything I would do today felt like it would be irrelevant tomorrow.

In these busy times where we are all supposed to have a goal or direction and keep moving in that way, we put little value on the transitions, and I am not sure that those transitions may not be much more important.  Whether it is gathering steam for a leap or grieving a loved one, those times when we just need to "be" are undervalued, and maybe even disparaged by some.  We need them to build courage for what is next.  We need them to help us get ready for a world that will be so different from the one in which we currently exist that we will not recognize it.

When I was a small child, my parents bred dogs, and on the day that the mother was about to give birth, she paced and was restless beyond belief. I think what I may be feeling today is...pregnant.  (Not in the having a baby sense.  I'm passed that.) Really feeling that I am about to give birth to something, and I don't know what it is.  It is exciting and at the same time terrifying.  Will I be able to stand up to the challenge of birthing this thing?  What will it look like? What will it mean for my life? While I am terrified, I am restless.  I want to get on with it, but the gestation period is clearly not complete. 

So I wait with pregnant anticipation to see what the Universe has in store for me.