The Precision of Words

Successful coaching is a lot like fishing: I have to know when to leave some slack and when to crank the reel.  The use of words is one of my biggest challenges.  So common is the habit of using the word "you" when a person really is speaking about themselves that it has become acceptable.  For example,  a person says "You just really don't realize...." when he means "I really don't realize..." or "You'd like to think you could do it" when she means "I'd really like to think that I could do it." While grammar is almost compulsive for me, this really isn't about grammar, and I don't want my coaching clients to think this is about petty use of language.

The words that we use really make a difference, though--they make a difference in the ownership we take of our situation.  In the case of "you"/"I," using "you" often makes the assumption that the ubiquitous "you"-- everyone--has the same experience of something as I do.  Other times it implies that we may know something that we don't.  A number of years ago, I recall reading an article about what divers found when they discovered a plane that had crashed in the ocean.  The diver, speaking to reporters, said, "We found what you would expect to find in a plane that had crashed into the water."  Well, I thought, I don't have any idea what to expect when a plane crashes into the water.

When I am coaching someone who is giving away ownership with the use of "you" when he or she means "I" or "me," I have to know when it would be useful to call that to the person's attention.  Sometimes, it is important: "You don't expect your boss to treat you that way," means something very different than, "I don't expect my boss to treat me that way."  Ownership and self-worth are reflected in the latter.

Another ownership word is "try." "I'll try to do that," more often than not means it's not gonna happen.  Contrasted to "I will do that," which reflects responsibility and commitment.

Today, I was coaching someone, who used the word "need" repeatedly during our session.  I kept biting my tongue.  Was it important to say something or not? Finally, as she described her action plan using the word "need" several times, I knew I had to say something.  "What..." I asked, "if you chose to do those things instead of needing to do them? What difference would it make?"

There was a stunned silence.  "A lot."  As she repeated her action plan again, this time saying, "I choose to..." she began to describe how she could feel a difference in her body and in her mind. "It is as if I can already begin to feel it happening."  The words we use really do make a difference.

I truly wish I could say that I am totally conscious of my language usage and never use "you" when I mean "me," or "try" and "need" when I mean "choose."  The truth is that I do occasionally.  At this point, I usually catch myself and wince as I realize what I have done, for I know that the words do make a difference.  The words help me be responsible and accountable for creating my life.  That is the intention I bring to creating my life.  Often it is as simple as choosing the word I use.