Squandering Love

On Thursday, I received an email from a friend who knew I was working on a memoir.  She shared a number of observations, concluding with the question, "You have had so many losses, transitions, upheavals, how did you (and how can we) work through the fear/anxiety?"  My immediate reaction was "I have no idea."  I just had to.

It was only after writing yesterday's post about being the best we can be that it hit me: my resilience comes from living with the intention to never cease to be the best I can be.  I don't always get there; in fact, I am not sure it is possible to get "there" because wherever we get, there is always the possibility to be better.  In all things.

There are some things that I've been better at persisting to be better than others.  All things considered, I've been good about how I eat and how I take care of my physical body.  There are also things at which I have not been so good.  I have not been so good at love.

Today I was having a conversation with a dear friend, and in the middle of it, I began to cry.  Something we had been talking about just made me think, I've really squandered love.  That is the word that came to me: "squandered."  It isn't a word I use a lot.  I have a sense of its meaning, but I felt like I wanted to look it up to see precisely what it meant.  "To spend or use something precious in a wasteful and extravagant way."  Hmm...I needed to look it up.  That was exactly the word.  When it comes to love, I've been like the prodigal who was given everything and wasted it.

A few days ago I wrote about the importance of telling people that I love that I do love them.  ("I Love You," 1/7/14.)  That is a communication and connection thing.  This is different.  To really be with love is to be truly present to it (that again!) and to consciously treat it as "precious."  Consciously.  To be in conscious awareness of love. 

I remember falling asleep, night after night for years, thinking what joy love was bringing me. But, somewhere along the way, I stopped appreciating what I had.  Appreciation is also an interesting word.  We use it to talk about financial investments that grow.  To really appreciate love requires investment--investment of self.

A few days a friend sent me an article written by a woman who had been single for many years before meeting her husband.  She appreciates him, and she understands how to let go of the petty stuff because it really isn't important.  She is treating the relationship as the precious thing it is.

Love is when we see the divine in ourselves and others.  We really recognize the wonder that is.  I regret having squandered such a precious thing as love.  I would like to think that just as the long-time single woman, I will not squander love in the future.  Yet, I am a work in progress.  All I can truly do is the never cease to be better at appreciating the love I have...when I have it.