Finding Kay

This is the second weekend this year that I've designated for working on my memoir.    At a writer's conference I once heard a woman, who is a much more financially successful author than I am, say that when she was starting to write a book that she had to clean the oven.  I've been restless today.  It happens every time I write a book.  Because I write from my heart and of the heart, I have to really be aligned with who I am: I have to find Kay.

Finding oneself may simultaneously be the easiest and most difficult things any of us ever does.  I find it particularly challenging in my current life because so much of what I need to do to survive is very unnatural to me. (Get up at 5 a.m.)  Clearly, what I do to survive are the very things that get in the way of me thriving. But surviving is important.  With our wind-chill of 20 degrees today, I am glad that I've done some of those unnatural things to have a warm place to live and food in my belly.

But before I can write, I have to get back to that place of thriving.  For me, that means listening to my natural rhythms and doing the things for which I have passion.  I go to sleep when I am tired...usually very late.  I sleep until I wake...almost always later than most mature adults would think acceptable. I do what I my inner knowing directs.  Today that meant a lingering bath and facial, followed by enjoying our beautiful sunny day with a brisk walk into Cleveland Park to the post office.  I love to cook (and fortunately I also love to be active,) and I listened to Splendid Table while making sun-dried tomato jam to accompany a risotto dish I will make for one of my adopted families next weekend. I felt like capturing these thoughts for the blog. Now, I am feeling like a nap.

What I notice about those days during which I listen to my natural rhythms is that I give much more attention to what is working in my life and that leads to much more appreciation for what I have.  I noticed how much I am grateful that I can go for a brisk walk and how I appreciate being a 15- to 20-minute walk from most places I need to go, so I don't have to depend on a car. After too much time this week in offices and at computers, I loved moving.

I was pleased that I could go to the grocery store and purchase the ingredients for things I wanted to cook. Then, I delighted in using my kitchen, which was renovated in the last year and is full of things that remind me of time over food in Italy.  From time to time, I have gazed out my living room window and felt satisfaction as I looked over the leafless trees in the park silhouetted against the cobalt-blue sky.

I've breathed more deeply and exhaled more regularly.  I notice my body and how comfortable I am in it (although I would love to shed 6 more of my holiday pounds.)  Unlike much of the time when I feel like I couldn't satisfy all the things others expect of me, today I am perfect in who I am:  I don't need to be more or less.  I just am.

Whenever I find Kay, I frequently have passing thoughts about how I lose her...again and again.  Today I had the same question, but today it doesn't really matter.  Today I found Kay, and her muse will inevitably follow.