Trusting What I Know

At sometime or another, most of us have had a deep knowing about something--something we knew or something we should do--that was counter-rational.  Everything was telling us that logically what we know in our hearts is wrong, but in our guts, we know we are right.  Most times, if not all the time, days, weeks, or months later, what we knew is proven correct.

This weekend I had the occasion to talk with two people I haven't seen for a while, and each asked me about my work.  I told them about how I love my clients, and I do.  I told them how some of my projects are really interesting, and they are.  Then, I told them how I had to stay in my current employment for another year for financial reasons that are too complicated too attempt to explain here.

In my heart, I know I should go, but every bit of rationality tells me that I must wait a year.  So, I wait...in pain for time to pass that is like watching ice melt in winter.  In my heart, I know that I should leap, even if I don't know what I am leaping to.  In my heart, I know I am dying where I am.  What has me frozen in place?

After the dot.com bust, when I lost my business and everything with it, I yearned for a secure job, and that is what I have now. Finances were a major piece of that picture, but for me, just as important was the fact that I no longer felt I was making a contribution.  I had spent my whole career helping people in workplaces, and suddenly, I didn't have that opportunity.  Being of service in my work is a major motivator for me, and I had no one to serve.

Although as a young person, I had always wanted to be a teacher, when I started teaching university students how to be better future managers and leaders, I knew it wasn't a fit. Oh, it was probably more of a fit than teaching history or political science, which is what I thought I wanted to do when I first went to college, but I'd done work I loved and knew this just was exactly right for me. I'd spent my career working directly with managers and leaders with their current challenges.  I just never quite got as excited about teaching these same topics.  Yet, I was serving, and that motivated me.  Creating a different kind of class that students were excited about...that motivated me.

I've wrestled with this question for several months now:  why am I afraid to leap?  The quick and easy answer is always financial.  But, today, suddenly it occurred to me: what if I didn't find a way to serve? I believe that is more terrifying than being down to my last $300.  Now I will go to work tomorrow and each day, not for the financial benefit, but because I have the opportunity to work with a lot of fine people who let me serve them...and even appreciate my service. That is what keeps me where I am, and that I truly know in my heart.