Embracing the gifts

This morning I am officially unemployed for the first time in almost 30 years.  I have to admit that my first reaction was to contact a friend to do something.  Thankfully, she was not available today.  Then I did what the very thing I should have done first:  turn to my heart.

"What are your intentions?" is the question it had for me.  Ah. 

Suddenly, the floodgates opened to all those things that I've been saying I really want to do but don't have time.  While cleaning my very cluttered desk might have been one of them, that is a "should," not a "really want."  What is the difference?  A "should" is something that comes from outside of me.  I "should" clean my desk so if someone comes to visit, they won't think I'm a slob.  (Probably wouldn't happen anyway because generally I am a neatnik except at my desk.)  The cluttered desk only bothers me when I start looking for something that I can't find, and amazingly, most of the time I am able to find things.

A "really want" is something that I want in my heart.  A "really want" is something I really yearn for.  When I started writing this blog, it was because writing again was a "really want" for me.  I felt like part of my soul was being ripped from me every day I didn't write.  When I started writing this blog,  I almost immediately experienced deep peace and satisfaction.  I truly cannot explain how wonderful it has been for me.

What are my "really wants" right now?  Three things came immediately:

• Take better care of my body.  Start exercising regularly again and get rid of sugar which really has negative effects on me.  For over 25 years, I exercised almost every day, and I felt great.  However, in the craziness of my life in recent years, I acted different priorities than what I know in my heart.  I am going to start acting on what I know to be true for me: exercising regularly makes me feel great.  And, the sugar...I give it up every year at Lent and really notice the difference how much better I feel, but my sweet tooth never takes long to lure me back.  I know--truly know--that I am happier and more peaceful without it.
• Meditate every day--really meditate for a full 20 minutes.  When my life was working better, exercise and meditation were rituals.  They were the centerpieces around which I fit my life instead of vice versa.
• E-publish at least The Game Called Life.  I started to do this a few months ago and the word document had totally gone missing from my computer.  I can't find it anywhere--on my computer, on memory sticks, or on my back up hard drive.  I am going to put it in my computer again (and back it up several places!)  I sense that I really need to be up close and personal with this book again.  Every time I read it, I am impacted by it.  I think it is time to really have a relationship with it.  If the government shutdown continues, I have a couple other books I've been wanting to get out there.  Who knows?  By the end of the furlough, I may have a whole library out there.

I will write, take a break and exercise, write more, take a break and meditate.  What a gift this unemployment is giving me. Yes, I am scared  that I won't be able to pay my bills, but fear separates us from what our hearts want us to know.  I am listening to what I know in my heart instead of fear... and taking one day at a time.